likefallenflowers

stalk me

2010-09-02T09:56:00.000+08:00

a glass shard awakens me to reality

2010-08-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

im going to miss lff.blogspot...
it has been many years... 8 long years here.
im shifting to posterous.com.
shall paste the link when its ready and up (:

anw i woke up to one of the greatest news ive ever had in months...
that i finally got selected for a job during the f1 season.
its gna be an awesome weekend (:
thanks to my agency!
im mighty happy because knwin my kind of "luck", i could never expected this.
in fact i didnt.
it has given me motivation to start looking for jobs again, like proper full time ones.

2010-08-19T05:57:00.003+08:00

yeah, she grew.

a pefect love that you gave to me, oh i remember

2010-08-18T10:27:00.000+08:00

im home at last.
spent a good half hour with meowmeow in which i would like to say that she is such a good girl.
she came up to me when i came home n greeted me... and while i was using the lappy on the breakfast in bed table, she came up n nestled on my stomach like she used to as a little kitten. except that she has to find more space on me as compared to previously. (:
meowmeow has really grown up to be sucha fine cat, im so happy i have her every single day. esp more so that the min i step into my house, the humans in the house disperse into their rooms within 5mins.
i must really smell bad.
but ive got a feeling it was the singing...
oops.

i was in a crash course to life... and den i crashed out of course

2010-08-15T09:21:00.000+08:00

i literally crashed into my house today. after which i threw on my running sneakers and sprinted to the east coast.

alot of things going thru my mind...

1. i wanted to head down to freaking JB to slap the friend i wanted since i was a girl to be my maid of honour. because she was going to be baptized today. i know it sounds awful. but trust me, she deserves it.

2. i have not been living in my own home very much for the past few mths because people at home wont even look at me. let alone talk to me.

3. commitments and sacrifices.

4. i just finished watching the 40 year old virgin and its pretty good.

5. there's glass on my floor. and it's sticky. i think it's the snapple bottle i smashed.

6. everything went wrong today.

7. i ran all the way and realize i couldnt run back. so i laid down on the bus stop near east coast and listened to eminem telling me that he's "not afraid".

8. loss. lost. lose.

9. i need a tattoo, a new piercing, a new haircut, a new life? sorry, i probably just need a job.

10. forget about relationships. im gna forget about humans. because there is nothing humane about them leaving you one by one.

11. it was nice to hear that from him today and the little catch up we had. i love that fella. no matter what. tho of cos im afraid of the real world now... damnid.

basically i wanted to stop at 10 but ya... here's just 11 little things im tnking about. or have done. or need to do. whatever.

i hate her every single day of my life

2010-08-14T10:00:00.000+08:00

wow. what do yknw. she IS getting baptized today.
motherfucked. i hope she drowns.

the dream catcher works

2010-08-14T01:02:00.000+08:00

forgot to add that last night i dreamed that someone was willing to sponsor me for my studies.

social sites make me depressed.

follow me past the walls of death, there is no eternal love

2010-08-14T00:49:00.000+08:00

when ure 22 and ure eating cereal with milk for dinner while trying to load dawn of the dead on a pirated movie site...
there's something about balance and well being that they did not teach you in school.
and knowing that itself is already a very good start.

its yet another day of which i can hear my brother and father having a conversation outside my room and im turning up avenged sevenfold on my itunes so that it doesnt make me feel even more disturbed.
i might as well be labeled an orphan.

im starting to hate them...

not because they refuse to talk to me, but seeing them and hearing their voices just make me uncomfortable and awkward.
like im staying in a house with 2 men i dont know.
but what can i do when home is always the best place to be at? where you can have freedom and not be bothered by psychotic landlords who probe into your life and give you curfews.
when im not at home, i want to be at home.
but when im at home, its uncomfortable, awkward and stressful...

and mich told me she bumped into lois and my uncle...
lois is someone i dont even know anymore.
she doesnt exist in my book of life.
yes i have a book of life in my system.
i dont really give a shit about if she is living or dead really.
because she died in 2008 when she did what she did.
n ppl tell me to be understanding that she is confused and going thru a bad patch..
which of us isnt?
well, if for some reason she happens to bother to stalk my life here,
i just want her to know that i used to have a nickname, jiap...
and that nickname was something everyone used to call me by...
since i was a ignorant kid...
and she is the reason why i never want to hear ppl calling me that ever again.

she and the certain bunch of jws that are so disappointing.

love?
they better check their definition of love in a proper dictionary before asking me to come back into the "truth"...
because i for one dont remember seeing a single one of them when i was cringing up in pain and suffering...
or when we had nth to eat...
or when my brother was going thru a tough time...
and all they did was criticize.
and look at u with tainted glasses.

so dont even talk to me about lois ever again.

i loved her too much. trusted her too much.
knew her for too long.

apparently ddnt know her well enough to anticipate her cruelty.

i hope u get baptized like u have always wanted to be... and if u dont, i really question why since ure so holy and godly now blocking the world like ure doing now...
i hope u get over the past and continue to block the world out...
because it's doing u gd... sticking to just your group... your mom and sis.
changing your emails and msn...
and blocking ppl who love you out of ur life.
maybe i should try to find your ex bf which u did the same too...
he would know how it feels.
he would probably hate u the way i do... if not more?
ure dead to me...
u belong dead to me...

i hope i never have to see or hear about you again...
reuniting with michelle and melissa doesnt help because it triggers old memories and digs up old wounds.
but like said, win some lose some.

u shall stay dead to me...

let go and allow change to take place?

2010-08-10T07:31:00.000+08:00

i have been too busy making fake money while im ill in bed all week, i need to get busy making real money.

when i got well enough to sit up and walk around the house, i started eating all the spicy and all the heaty i can find...
national day and i had pizza...
and bad tasting movies.

sitting home yet still cant bring myself to believe that it has come to this stage of my life,
yknw win some, lose some?
strangely, you would think i'd wish for them to start speaking to me again...
but somehow, knowing how they can do this sorta thing over something like that to some one like me?
the dynamics of my life and family turned topsy turvy... it almost seems like there is no turning back... even if i walked the path they tell me to walk... which is dark, sad and lonely... and those are just understatements to how it is.
still, doesnt bring back your family.
even if one day they physically start speaking to me, i know ive lost their souls.
its difficult to explain.it's just not right.

"it needs to happen so that freedom and more happiness can occur between you and a more profound relationship can begin."

its a dog eat dog world~

2010-08-09T02:45:00.000+08:00

Note: Disgusting photos ahead, click back later if you are enjoying a meal in front of the computer.

haha.

yet not one single roll of clean toilet paper was too be found for usage...
females can be barbaric...

singaporeans are already making good effort to throw their rubbish...
they even brought it to the toilet's bin...
how failed it is when the consumers in a shopping mall have to walk all the way to the toilet just to throw their rubbish.

and this was outside the toilet and cinema area, a trail that led from the ticketing counter all the way to the toilet...
it smelled so bad and the toilet was stinking even more than a usual toilet would.

this was just outside the lift of the 4th floor of the same place

this was outside the cinema

and where did i go to watch that crap ass movie the last airbender?
cathay @ ehub.

and do you think after watching that horribly lame lined show i was in good spirits?
no...
because we had just wasted 28 god damned dollars to watch a freaking 3D movie that wasnt even requiring any 3D specs at all and the lines were so not amusingly laughable...
the plot was confusing.
the main actor ought to just go back to school.
the actors in general CANT act...
the whole thing was a fail.
i am so agitated.
i stepped out of the movie and went to the toilet, almost got killed by the stench of vomit n kinda slipped abit on it too... okay... that was gross...
and it doesnt help that the toilet was so stink on many levels...
going in, i saw pads all over the female toilet, toilet paper flying about and ya, see the photos for yourself.

i wrote in to cathay and downtown east separately.
and im not the type to complain.
this is probably the first time im writing in to complain.
even the other time when the bus number 7 uncle at the bedok bus interchange forcefully snatched my ez link away from me because he thinks im cheating my fare or smtg lidat... and he turned the bus around back to the interchange so that he could bring me to see his supervisor with EVERYONE else still on the bus who shouted n ask me "WHAT DO YOU WANT??"
i didnt write in to complain...
but now i think, after all that ive been through in the service line, sometimes in cases like this...
its not really the fault of the cleaners, as i dont even see any cleaners present in the whole mall...
this is a problem with the management.
and if the management has issues, the workers under them suffer.

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE YES...

anyway lets see what they reply...
i really am disgusted.
and i hate the show.

what a horrible experience!

separation

2010-08-08T04:47:00.000+08:00

mainly spent half a day worrying. and feeling like someone just tore away a part of them self from me. thought i did something wrong to entail people to stop associating, to start avoiding, to stop talking to me...
i thought it was something else to get used to... but well, turns out, it's just a slower process.

and i felt that feeling again when "time was up".

the feeling i had every night and day before i went to school.

went to the kitchen and drank down reality...

been sick the whole week... it really doesnt help.
it really doesnt help that they dont speak to me...
it really doesnt help that i dont have anyone to buy me food when im sick...
and about to pass out in my own damn bed...
it already doesnt help coming home to bots for a family that are not programmed to speak to u or even look at u... but speak amongst themselves behind closed doors.
but when im running a fever?
and when im trembling to get the food stuck on the fork into my mouth when food arrives?
only because i asked for help... only because someone else cares.
what if at a certain point in life, nobody did, nobody knew the things that im going thru,

and everyone was just a phase?
what if at a certain point in life i had learned to stop asking?
i guess we all have to think about this one time or another when we are old and gray with the prospect of ill misfortune that we have no kids or kids that make us feel like we have none at all, and we are just withering in frailness and ailments that we have to think about stuff like these...

ive always been independent in my own way, but...

build up a world of magic because your real life is tragic

2010-08-05T19:33:00.000+08:00

4.18am, my nose is killing me. it's itching so badly yet hurting so much from all that tissue abrasion. im munching oreos and rubbing tiger balm to distract myself from the irritation and pain.

it doesnt help that the only source of tissue paper left in my house is as rough as sand paper...
i begin to question the manufacturer for the WHOLE boxful of flu meds i have just consumed within 48hours.
robin says im killing my immune system, but my nose is killing me and this is a dog eat dog world...

cruel.
harsh.
and stupid.

anw so what isnt cruel, harsh and stupid was ruth's 23rd birthday bash we had at ecp!
think chilli crabs, sambal this and that ;)

best face award

runner up

people who eat cockles have such expressions~

see

told you...

seks the t rex eating

its supposed to be the loch ness monster -.-

the cake is soooo prettyyyy! personalized by emily!

happy birthday~

emily is at it again...

♥

and the seafood uncle from East Coast Park Lagoon's stall 24 gave ruth an ang bao!!! (:
anw the food there is of cos awesome, we always order from that stall..

numbers... hahaha

expressions while eating beancurd

my poor cat!
just look at her...

love meowmeow!

meowmeow at her spot ready to sleep!

the two precious things in my life (:

she's too funny for her own good... haha.

anw pardon the lousy commentaries...
im still sick... i mean ya... i tried blogging this over the past few days...
finally its up!
i mean at the rate i tk photos, i dont want a backlog... haha.

gna go back to rest...
toodles.

ive kept you, my sentimental value in my pocket since i was 9...

2010-07-30T02:45:00.000+08:00

bruce lee

a calico meow!!! very friendly (:

meowmeow will be envious of her long tail...

her ears are clipped... most probably being spayed as the status of a stray... therefore its free.

♥

(:

i hope when i get my blog project ongoing that i also am able to do something good to the animal society
(:
pretty excited about that cause.
im just gna plan some stuff up for till the end of the year! yay!
anyway im getting broke, jfyi! gdnght.

OH MY GAWD.

2010-07-30T01:56:00.002+08:00

OH MY GAWD. I HAVE JUST SEEN THE

MOST HORRIBLY STUPID SHOW IN MY

WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE AND EXISTENCE ON

EARTH.

I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE IT IS SO BAD.

"THE BACKUP PLAN..."

WATCH AND FEEL MY PAIN... ESP AROUND

50 MINS ONWARDS...

thank you for holding my head up late at night...

2010-07-29T01:47:00.000+08:00

Adolphie!

with a sad heart i say goodbye to you and wave,
kicking shadows in the street for every mistake ive made...
just make a smile come back and shine like it used to be
and then a whisper "how could you do this to me?"

hate me for all the things i didnt do for you,
hate me so you can finally see whats good for you...

-

i hope you will be happy...

and even then, i hope i will be there to share that happiness in your life...

i got a hole in my heart, maybe a few, now somewhat one just rocketed through, bigger...

my family might have done the right thing for me, but who really knows what is right and wrong in life anymore?

im still sitting in this room alone, leaning against the wall, typing...

it was dark, i was desperate to reach out for some warmth...

but even if im warm, my heart is hollow...

65days

2010-07-28T17:21:00.000+08:00

great news! some agencies actually got back to me, freelance and stuff, it sounds cool. i dont really have a stable source of income or rather no source of income at all, so probably need to grab onto one soon. and even greater news, ive been discussing and thinking about doing up something again since cbl, but i havent been able to come up with a name n ya, now that ive discussed abt the shop with yh, hopefully things will turn out gd for the both of us in nov (: SUPER JUST NICE! and the lines can be finally drawn clearer and i can finally plan n get it into action, i really am excited...
so really watch this space this year... im really gna engage into something more permanent should tgs dont turn out badly... and the next course i plan to take is to work things up alone... so there would be any partnership complications. and of cos source for the areas in which i might need help in... fill up the gaps sorta thing.

super haps!

ive got loads of plans, i really hope at least one really works out well for me...
im counting on those opportunities ive reached out for...

and also something else to be excited about? probably after 2mths time... so im counting down the days ((:

anw i m just recovering from some minor food poisoning, gna rest n awake to sturdy out my plans.
im really excited!

we are the cartoon heroes whoahh~

2010-07-26T15:51:00.000+08:00

i kinda felt like i was ready to go rock climbing or something...

baby dinosaur face! haha my fave!

its a love hate thing!

lol

why must i flare my nostrils when i do that?! hahaha

ive got an adrenaline rush!
i wna run at the gym, wna cycle, wna go rock climbing, wna play beach volleyball!
(:

my love...

2010-07-26T05:24:00.000+08:00

although i cant write much about imran for the past 2 years on my blog, he was always a major part of my life. and still is. maybe always will be somehow. because i forgot to add that in the story, somewhere back in 08, there was a hand... his hand that pulled me out.

i never knew how harsh and cruel society would be to us. and against your race. i never wanted to be like them. people never knew how great you were, people never heard much about you, because of all the bad stuff that had been happening. and you, were there to clear it up with me, for me... and nobody else knows but me... and it saddens me to see the way people treat u, in turn affecting us.

but the truth is, people ought to know... but i am not able to justify or put into words how much you have done for me... how much we both have sacrificed. how much the stereotyping hurts. how much you were silent pushing me up from the deepest depths of the ocean... and how people were kicking you down when you tried to resurface for air, how they used you as their rock... how you allowed yourself to be my rock...

my family never knew how much we struggled to make them happy... by not being together...
my family never knew how much you helped me... all the tears we both shed... all the goodbyes we said.
all the times i couldnt do it alone and ran back into your arms and you always took me back...
and i took the fall for our relationship...

and the only times i ever went down on my knees were to beg my parents to stop fighting...
to beg my brother to let go of your case and not bring it up to harm you...
to show you how sorry i am for leaving you and how much i love you...

became your girlfriend again and my family disowned me for that...
and now im sitting alone in my room, eating dinners alone in my room, given the silent treatment...
and i told you i wouldnt be happy like this in the long run...
and you let me go...

as always, watch me walk away from your life...

it was, it is never easy...

it has to be the hardest thing and choice i have to make...

and in between the guys i crushed on, dreaming up of a better future... you allowed me to take their hand if they offered.
for me to be happy.
but i never could be myself...
it was an inner struggle.
and chapters could never close, answers could never be found...

but dont ever for once apologize for any of that.. dont ever for once said that you caused a mess in my life...

there are no words at all to replicate what we have went through together...
there are no words at all to replicate the bond and love we share...
and for now, these are all i can come up with...

i owe a big part of my life to you...
and i know ure the last person on earth that would hurt me...
and up till now, have never done anything to do so.

im sorry for the way things are. im sorry as hell for the way my family are...
im sorry society affects me so badly.

i just hope we will both end up happy... and that we remain close in life...
because i would never want to lose a person like you.
so dont ever go far...

finally.

2010-07-25T14:56:00.000+08:00

after 22 years, i finally own my own computer sort of... and i am really appreciative that i no longer have to...

1. get nagged at when i leave the com for awhile to eg. take a shower, leave it to download, take a nap... etc.
basically my brother's rule is - if ure not at it, off it. so yeah...

2. it doesnt help when the start up is damn slow.

3. use my brother's wallpaper... i can put jacob black on my screen... i was always unable to change wallpaper...

4. have ugly files and games all over the desktop. now my desktop is clean.

5. FIGHT WITH MY BROTHER OVER THE USAGE OF THE COMPUTER...
esp when it comes to work that i have to do...

6. plea.

7. WAIT for him to use finish - sometimes i fall asleep and he is still using when im awake... so i usually forget about using the com for the day... (lucky got iphone recently)

8. argue.

and now i can

1. change my wallpaper!!! woooo
2. watch movies and recline in bed!!!
3. download alot of songs... :D
4. play my itunes all day long!
5. omg this just feels so damn awesome i can list it down endlessly...!

plus meowmeow loves the heat radiating from it. haha... as you can tell from the photos.

im so grateful and thankful... maybe many ppl might not understand how i feel since thy got their own com n multiple others at home that we can L4d2 in their homes probably... but yeah...

im very thankful... (:
and happy. i cant really express in just words but yeah...

thanks gq!

the dream catcher

2010-07-24T19:26:00.000+08:00

when she saw the redheaded woman in the water, she panicked, backed up and hit her head. and somehow there was a hand that reached out to her and pulled her out of the water. when i saw the black headed woman or thing in the water, i panicked, couldnt back out...fought within myself and pulled myself out the water... obviously there wasnt anyone who could pull me out or even know what i was going thru. fighting.
there are too many things similar to the story it is really touching every raw nerve in my soul.
every bad dream she had, screaming in her sleep, cringing in pain, her dad awakens...
the dreamcatcher.

the waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk. this two years have been passing so slowly, it didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that i’d grown strong enough to bear it.

she didnt want him to leave, she didnt want him to quit on her because she knew that would make him stop being with her and she knew she needed him...
it was selfish...
but it was a self defense mechanism, a reaction, not a choice. only human.

and like how everywhere i turn i seem to be hurting myself and everyone else around me...
isnt there anything that i have touched and left unharmed? i have always felt hideous about it.
it has always been an inner struggle...
and some way or another, people get tired. or fed up. or too heart broken.
i never wanted to be the object of blame...
sometimes i want to give up both sides of the coin,
but im too scared of never being able to see neither face of the coin ever...
my hands have tried holding on to too many things...
i cannot choose what i want to grab hold of because all of them are as important,
if not, im just trying to save it all...
and the things that are falling or will fall out of my hands eventually might not be the things i want to let go...

confusion was no longer in my system, it went way beyond that.
and like my best friend said, im only 22, i dont need all this...

can you meet me halfway

2010-07-24T15:45:00.000+08:00

little new editions to my room, from ikea (:

♥

breakfast in bed!

anw when i got my laptop, this was what came with it...

sigh~
♥i gladly come home to this thing everyday, haha *fan girl mode*

bought a full view mirror from ikea too

thats how small i am compared to a bassist player's equipment...
i cant even walk right.....

did i mention that ikea's ice cream is good? :D
altho it might have its side effects...
nonetheless!!!

SUPPIE COLUMN:

and of course SUPPIE TIME!!!
suppie goodness, suppie madness, suppie whatever, it's suppie time with wansi!

new hair cut looking good babe!!!
loves ze bangz man!
my turn soon ;)
oh and i put my wallet n phone there on purpose to overkill on the PINK.
:D

ya i look super thin and scary! im eating as i blog now dont worry - banana walnut bread + nutella!

bestest besties... babe, how long has it been? oh yeah since i was FOURTEEN as you blatantly put it yesterday! hahaha... it went abit like "you bitch, ive known you since u were FOURTEEN and you dare to scold me like this?!"
yeah she is fierce but man, it has been 8 years! double that and we will be like moms or something already.

yikes, okay im not helping... haha
i love u babe! (: and as she as COMPLAINED time and time again that ive been and am still too WORDY... therefore there shall be a Suppie Column to update her...
it's like a summary for her so she doesnt have to read the words. i bet you people are also going to just read that........ -.-

SUPPIE COLUMN ENDS, YOU CAN STOP READING NOW BABE. hahaha..
it's gna be about...sentimental values and stuff that you cannot stand.

-

sentimental values that i havent thrown out of the window. i mean while packing my room, there are things that have been kept since i was 5 practically, but ive decided that i have to learn to throw away certain sentimental memories... be it in physical form or that little compartment you have in your heart that says
"people hurt me here."

in fact, to prove how dramatic i can be, i keep ALL the ang pao packets that people gave to me...

ya, and also the cash inside as much as i can if my parents dont need the money...

i have alot of ang pao packets that have names on them... to remember who gave me this and that... it's very nice to know that my father's ang pao packet was always the thickest :D hehehe.

anw so, im sidetracking.

what i came here to say was that i am learnin to filter these sentimental emotions and recently, i had quite intense dreams that flew in past the dreamcatcher and it reminded me of temporary moments that fleeted by due to "bad timing" and brought about another compartment in my heart that says
"answers i want to find."

i never forgot how i felt even after the decade went by, it was WONDERFUL to have found something i lost for so long again... and something happened or didnt along the way...and while trying to mend the pieces in my current life, i realized that there are things i have to throw away... :(
and things that i need to fill in my heart...

to fill the compartment that says "answers i want to find"...
so that i can open that other spot in my heart that says "happy"...

i want to be happy.
i want things to be simple.
i dont expect my family to start speaking to me again, im fine being alone in my room, having my meals inside with my music and laptop all day...
not too fine but at least i dont have to sleep it off all the time...
i really wish with my eyes closed really tightly that things will be better again and im trying my bestest for it to happen...
im paving the way...
i hope someone will meet me halfway.

Happy 1st Birthday Chic!

2010-07-21T17:20:00.000+08:00

alright now then, enough of all that controversial crap. we are heading forward! or rather back to the 20's with this post.

basically i was invited and had the awesome flavour of what was, my first dress up party(: with press pass style, so here's my blog entry.

♥ Happy 1st Birthday Chic Mag & crew! ♥
Theme: 1920s
Location: Supperclub
Ratings: AWESOMIC

first up, there's alot of photos, so to start with,
photos of "Before THE Party" so to speak.

base make up, hair up, eyelashes fixed on...

lotsa hairspray is needed for the cropped bob look... oh yes, theme: 1920s
the one base element for the whole look where women carried bobs and elton crops at the time.

and a headdress to add, i bought this hot pink feathered hairband from far east... basically got everything i needed and wanted there (:

and another rule take, forehead to be covered! that's 1920's style. i wasnt gna do the cloche hat cos i wanted my headdress to be something fancy... so, i got a black net i used for previous photoshoots and bobby pinned them around the hair and band...

♥
and my hair was set! (:
on the phone arranging plans with the one guest i could bring...

i tried on red lipstick but it doesnt go with the hot pink or fuchsia
♥

more feathers and the gloves...

♥

and all i had to get was my cigarette holder,
which i was able to purchase at this particular dress up store at f.e.

and we had dinner at pastamania, jacky was on shift, thanks for the treat bro (:

met a fellow chic party goer, emma!

photo credits: Chic Magazine
♥

my guest: gq fu went as a "working class man" in the 20's with the flat cap...

sidenote from wiki:
"Men's hats were usually worn depending on their class, with upper class citizens usually wearing top hats or a homburg hat. Middle class men wore either a fedora or a trilby hat, and working-class men wore a standard flat cap or no hat at all."

the Roulette and Black Jack table all set up for proceeds for charity.

Chic Magazine raised about $1,510 from the party for a baby with a heart or cardiac disorder that requires donations as treatments are really expensive, people can donate directly at this link or to read more about their story.

One of the judges for the Chic Girl contest with Ms Singapore Universe 2010

the photographer for the night, Le Ying

1920's Shanghai Tang style?

Kerry Wong and friends
they could win some best dressed award, i love the REDS!

love this couple's style

and we got a photo of them (:

Boon Cheong and I

turns out, they were old school mates!

with the brothers Poh, Boon Cheong and Fhank.
you can check out their sites here and at the main page - Sunflower

with the host of the night... Mr Allan Wu & Mr Joe Augustine!

the panel of judges while the chic girl contest is on!

i love her out

lemme just pretend this isnt real ;(

with the spunky photographer

loves it!

spotted the cloche hat (:
someone's wearing it.

♥

♥

goof

\m/

♥

and of course the winner, do check her out at chic's facebook page - here.

and more sidenotes- we were featured a lil on the following pages:
Ashbury Mall

i had a blast, thank you the spontaneous people for the poses and photos! it was a great experience for me meeting new people and unfortunately i do not already own cerealboxlabels.com anymore, but i guess we could watch this space... we could get something up and running now can we (:

lastly, thank you Chic for the invite (:

cheers!
♥

im cheap

2010-07-19T14:32:00.002+08:00

they obviously dont get it.........................

okay for those who cant read chinese, she just saying im cheap cos i dno hw to read chinese :l
ouch, she just insulted ALOT OF PEOPLE IN SINGAPORE... cos we dont really know hw to read our second lang well. but thats ok, shes in singapore, shes in our territory... so its not our problem... anw shit just hit the fan... i took my blog link off facebook... cos i dont wna offend any friends of Lanz.
peace people, its just btn me and him. nth to with anyone else. so yea amazing what facebook can do.

im chilling.

lets all chill!

have a nice life, pff.

2010-07-19T12:13:00.001+08:00

first of all, i might seem mean to do this. okay, I AM MEAN. but i just cannot tolerate this kinda nonsense.

what is he so afraid about anyway. i hate how these people are just so desperate and go for some nonsense match making thing and make the best out of what they got. literally. squeezing out every possible ounce of energy from their soul for "love". woo. i wanted to do a chinese translation for his foreign wife but den again, ignorance for her will be bliss at this point. since apparently they are already so good at that... they will continue excelling in bliss im sure. but well, i think ive done enough here... so i shall stop being mean and rest my case. my print screen does enough justice to what im talkin about anyway... cheers.

The Proposal

2010-07-19T11:20:00.001+08:00

im gna just edit the 200 plus photos from the party. bear with me... but first things first...

something i dug out from my recent and past experience in cerealboxlabels -

enjoy the works of my friends. haha

PROPOSAL BETWEEN

DAMN HANDSOME GUY

and

CEREALBOXLABELS

Terms and Conditions

Investment from Damn Handsome Guy: unlimited amount of moolah sponsorship over the entire lifespan of cerealboxlabels.

Returns from cerealboxlabels: after a period of 1 year, effective from date signed, a lifetime marriage with Tan Wen Ting, Jessica.

Also, you will then be holding the same percentage of shares as Tan Wen Ting Jessica.

We hope the agreement is very much to your preferences. Thank you for your interest and support.

p.s.I believe Jessica will be a great wife and mother!

Agreed and dated:

_____________________
X Damn handsome Guy

Agreed and dated:

_____________________
X Tan Wen Ting Jessica

THEY HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR which i dont think the DAMN HANDSOME GUY would. hahahaha... cos he's just too damn handsome??? ok, im tryin to joke.

right back to bed after these messages

2010-07-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

as much as i ddnt want to talk about it, i breached the topic. i just dont understand why people go through such great lengths to be so unhappy. or whatever, the reason just doesnt click with me now, maybe will never, life is short. or maybe they are. well, im neither happy nor sad.

have to learn to be nonchalant about it. after all, some wounds, some things you can never let by and never should even tho life is short.

on a side but very important note:

FACEBOOK IS VERY PUBLIC.
so stop assuming that by me seemingly happy in my photos that i am okay and that everything is bright and sunny for me every single day. just stop assuming right there.
what i do and dont do on facebook is all up to me, come on, we have ex bosses or current people we know connected that dont need to see how depressive some of our lives can be for future's sake right? as if the future is already shining bright for some of us. we have friends that we dont really wna add but just wna check them out on fb as well... so whats the point in them glee-ing over you wallowing. there are a thousand and one reasons why i try to keep my life stories away from fb. or at least try to.
you never know whats going on behind closed doors, after drinking sess or happy hour, the home you go back to, maybe with tears that ruin your make up, who knows?
when u scream into your pillow because you know that no one can really hear you anyway,
do you post it on your wall?

"HEY GUYS, IMMA BOUT TO SLIT MA WRIST. LETS SEE HOW MUCH I BLEED. HAHA."

???
see how it even sounds?

to be NOT ok, doesnt mean you stop smiling.

there are some clowns you just wish to smack right there in the kisser knowing that they arent happy but are still faking the smile in your face.

and these people try too hard.

they need lessons from me. because apparently when things go wrong in my life, people think im irresponsible and lazy. and that im just out there having A TIME OF MY LIFE.

well, fuck em, im sick of it. if they assume such things of me, after knowing me, den there's nothing much ive done good on the average i guess.

anw im up this early on a rainy saturday morning not because im too excited about the party im going to later. but because meowmeow was afraid of rain and thunder and there was an all too familiar pee stench in my room.
so yup, i cleaned up my bag and had to hand wash some stuff. *shall have a mini night potty for meowmeow in my room soon*

so anw was shopping for the party, ive been tnkin about that gold fan and ciggie holder. i tnk i might just return to get it.

and oh, photos of our reunion, it was short and sweet (:

m&m&j

mime-rrrrrr

red dot brewery (:

coaxing meowmeow to sleep in her basket...

the finest surprise and joy she would give to me at the end of the day before i sleep...

anw if there was anything i would like to announce it would be that my wisdom tooth is hurting.
and yes, please not ASSUMING.
i hate people to assume or jump into conclusions. isnt my life quite public out there for all to see already?
geez, some people (referring to one or two in specific) have too much to hide,
deleting people off facebook, changing msn addresses, changing blog url, changing cliques, setting profile really tightly private, tryin to pull a david copperfield or criss angel on all...

but everything about me is not budged, but still im not REAL enough, people dont know me enough.
because come on, its facebook and the blog we are talkin about. i tnk i flaunt my dirty linen in my public quite quite enough.

so yeah. whats the deal, could you excuse me while i have a life that i dont put online?

where my party people at?

2010-07-16T13:08:00.000+08:00

1. you dont know how tiring it is to pack MY room.... because you dont know my room... because my room.. okay never mind.

2. i spent 5-6 hours? and threw out a few garbage bags. A FEW. as usual. all that sentimental shit, all out.

3. photos!!! <3

and i just online shopped!!! AGAIN ;x

the model is damn pretty... i swear. but i seconded opinions so that i wont be distracted by the face only. yes the dress is pretty as well. haha

im gna wear it as soon as i get it!! to meet suppie maybe?? (:

lashes for my party (:

stupid red eyes

more ugly soft toys. hahahahahhaha. look at them!!!

my fave.

ahh before i throw them away... the spca posters... to old.

meowmeow disturbing barbie.

she comes to kp.

more posters

the audacity?!
look at her, just look at her.

...

after hours of hardwork, cleaning inside and outside.
throwing a shitload of stuff.

my room is clean! my tables can be seen! my floors can be seen!~

carebear comes home from office.

dusty sunnies.

accessories stand (: anna sui style.

my bedside table and bobby's with me (: every night.

my improvised lamp!!! damn awesome!!!

even the inside is neat!!

my first drawer.

second. for all the stocks and "supplies"

3rd one..for the clutches. i hvnt packed my clothes yet :x so..... i shall put my clutches there first. sigh the clothes...

stashed off to one corner at the moment and shuffed the rest in the cupboard, its hideous. but it will do for now.

and den the reward (:
sleep.
bliss!!!
happiness.

Do put my tears in your skin bottle. Are they not in your book?

2010-07-14T17:18:00.000+08:00

(Psalm 56:8) My being a fugitive you yourself have reported. Do put my tears in your skin bottle. Are they not in your book?

(תהילים 56:8) שלי להיות פליט אתה עצמך דיווחו. האם את הדמעות שלי
בבקבוק העור שלך. האם הם לא בספר שלך?

not the correct translation... but ya...

animals and unicorns

2010-07-14T10:13:00.000+08:00

i really dont know what to say. so much time has passed... the most difficult years. i cried when i read her msg. it was a mixture of happiness, sadness and alot of other emotions i cant even explain...
when ive been so bitter about the ppl who left and i lost...

not afraid.

2010-07-13T14:34:00.000+08:00

when i look at photos, i only see myself and nobody else. and that gives me motivation. cos i know i was born a happy kid. i am blessed to have what i have. and fuck whatever ive lost, its time to move on. bitterness remains, but love and sentimentality and futuristic clouds of what could be and what would be should be gone.
im living for myself now, nobody else. for my goals, my dreams. if they have to push me to this extent... independence was what i have always been good at since they pushed me away when i was a little girl. yes, alot of storms and repercussions to excessive independence...
but you make do with what u have, be extremely gd at it and grit your teeth. smile.
im not strong enough to get up now.
im going to seek solace in sleep.
but like i told myself, GET THROUGH EVERY SINGLE BAD MOMENT.

get through every BAD moment, when u feel you cant hold on,

you just HOLD ON.
dont look anywhere ahead, just concentrate on holding on.

i just trashed up the furniture, the doors slam behind me, i growl in angst and pain. i grit my teeth. for years ive been clutching onto myself for support... and the bond between understanding myself is too strong for me to end it. because ure in the best disposition to know yourself best.

it isnt the blood that's flowing through your soul, your veins, your life,
its the water filling up your gaps.
i will never do this to my kids.
i will never make promises to them that i refuse to keep and back out on.
i will never do whatever they have done to me to others. i will never do what them adults have done.
havent they forgotten what it feels like to be a kid?

they were once children before aint everyone?
i will have proper family planning so that my kids are able to study, learn music, explore, travel with me.
even if shit happens, i must have a backup plan.
i wont want to follow the footsteps of the adults that have erred.
they are tryin to teach me never to walk in their path so that the generations dont suffer.
but they forgot im that generation right now.

im fighting dirt.
i cant see. it has to settle. before i walk out of this. clean up.
smile for the camera.

"제시카, 나도 아주 사랑합니다. 그래서, 감사해요"

2010-07-12T09:55:00.000+08:00

14. he being married to his "game", gazing the stars... den reaching out for them... and part of you hopes he gets it, in fact, all of you. but at the same time, you stare blankly as you watch him leave in your head... the picture... hurts.

and yet again, it reminds you, that in life, you only got yourself. everything else is evanescent, pull an abracadabra, or just fleet. not that it's WRONG. some of them did. but not this one. but still, it reminds you.

be it by choice, be it by harsh cruelty and hard heartedness, be it by faith, be it by circumstances, be it by death, by mistake, by plain screwed-up-ness, and this time, it's just life.
a living. dreams. goals. im not trying to be selfish and whiny, i bet im not the only one sad.
but this has gotta be the first time im gna have to deal with this.

be the one standing behind the glass, watching someone important walk away into an unknown distance.
up into the skies. for a long and uncertain time.

but dont get me wrong, when im able to accept this, im gna be happy and back to my very supportive self. im gna be back to happy for you... im gna be back to being here no matter what setbacks you might face despite the distance... because like you do and you always have, i got your back...

im sorry things with us have been difficult... im sorry things on my side have affected you. im glad you are still here despite but im just sorry. i appreciate it so much that you have never turned a cold shoulder. and if my life wasnt so messed up, you wouldnt be caught in sucha web. but knowing the person that you are... disciplined n ever focused. i know you will be okay. the sorry isnt meant to be apologetic. it's just a pity that it had to be wonderful people in my life that have to go through this with me... nonetheless, i never regret it...

thank you for everything...

I put your name on my arm in India Ink

2010-07-10T07:42:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of packing my iTunes.

It's basically in a HUGE mess because I never had iTunes and an iPhone, till a few months ago and the songs and the album covers are just messed up or wrong or missing. not to mention the genres, the album years and the album names.

so im revamping it one by one. and also attempting to download the discographies instead to save the trouble. so ive been very busy and diligently doing it while being sick at home...

being sick these days seem like a fash for me, so its fine.

but going to the gym at 42.06kg (underweight abit) and not having proper meals and running a 2.4km and doing 30 sit ups after being not active for YEARS is just... crazy to the body.

my body went whacked and started punishing me. its not like ive been really good to it, depriving it of meals and such. but yeah gym was nonetheless shiok.
you think about nothing but endurance and trying to forget the stitches on both sides (ok, that isnt supposed to happen actually) and you just switch into "run mode", i dno about y'all, but i have sucha one mode in which my brain just thinks about nothing but running... and endurance. like, even tho my body cant take it, my mind tells it that it can...

but of cos, my body wasnt lying.

kinda collapsed around and like was in so much pain that thankfully gq turned around to get my back. and den the transit security uncle of course, gave me po chai pills... and a chair and a drink...
i swear he's god sent or smtg. i mean what are the odds??

so thank you gq and transit security uncle :D

srsly, my body hates me now.im like a 40 now. its crazy and i aint bragging it. im tryin to get at least liquid in my system... like milo even if i cant eat my meals right.
but whatever, photos -

yes, im having trouble thinking what to wear / even buy for the party. if i cant find anything, im giving it a pass man. definitely excessive make up i can do. :D

yea the bear again!!!
its everywhere~

from korea from jerms!

packed my bathroom!!!
the bottom compartment at the sink belongs to my dad n bro. the rest are my stuff. HAHAHAHAHA.
and that doesnt count the fact that ive thrown out alot of stuff before i took this photo.

essential oils and burners ready for night time bath (:

sigh, again.
how many mirrors must i break?
im not superstitious but still, hey look at my luck... ok, sorry, i mean, what luck?

shopping!!! :D

HAHA. our crap ass bass illustration.
colouring by Jessica cos thats the only thing she can do.
she cant draw to save her life.

THE BEST BATH OF MY LIFE. PERIOD.

THE BEST. THE SHIOKEST. HANDS DOWN.

my lamp shade... which is actually a shawl from brunei.. haha gq is gna kill me.

GYM!!!!!! look at how pale and frail i am before going in.

we gna rock the gym!!!

hehehe you have saved our lives! we are eternally grateful to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu:D:D:D

oh and i ddnt make it for casting, somehow, wasnt notified either. and oh, its the event. completely clashed with other two events. so it's a good thing maybe?
and these days have been difficult. and when i say difficult, i mean want to just stuff pills down your system and pull an OD on yourself kinda difficult. but thats just of cos plain stupid, self explanatory.
and ive been dreaming that my family are speaking to me, but when i wk up, i am abit cautious about the situation, i step out, oh hostile air... nope, yep just a dream.

wonder how long will this go on.. wonder how long i can hold out for without proper meals. wonder how long i can hold out for without a proper life. can i climb back up... i must for my sake... even if its swallowing rice down with water...

and with regards to friendship and monetary issues, ive learnt to - fuck care.
meaning, if i dont have to, i dont and i wont. no more obligatory, no more niceness out of friendship sake, no more going out of the way...
you make your mistakes, you pay for them, im paying for mine, so i dont pay for others? sorta like that.

how to save a life

2010-07-04T07:31:00.001+08:00

It's the fact that I can't bear to leave meowmeow, the fact tt I want my kids, I dno abt a soulmate or someone tt could leave me warm n fuzzy the way I used to feel.. It has been so long that I've felt that way I forgotten how it feels like. But that would be wonderful. I was tnkin abt me and the love for myself. Otherwise.I've been threading water for too long. It has been two particularly extremely difficult years. I need solid ground. After he pulled me out of tt irrational moment, I feel that I am fine again. I think I just have to pull through those downs,relax my body in the ocean. Hold my breath n let me sink... Till I regain energy, I go up for air.I've been doin that... I'm pretty sure I will find land soon.It has got to come soon.

jessica was on psycho mode. jessica is now feeling better.

2010-07-02T10:31:00.000+08:00

Put A Foot Down

A pen on one, a scissor on the other,
htiting bed frames like drum sets pretense.

If they charge in with common brutality,

if they charge in with force,
they might meet the devil they never knew that is living in their premises.

Because they kept on, they nurtured one.
And brewed the little demon and lured it out of its cage.

Shhhh... Can you hear the bass from my stereo?
Can you feel your heart beat strange?
Can you feel your brain moving inside of you?
Can you sense my hate?
Can you taste the bitterness?
Can you smell the angst?
Are you breathing my poison?

Why you gotta hurt somebody like me?
Why you gotta be somebody like you?

Giving is done, depending on you is done.
No more eating, forgiving to you is done.
The hiding from you is done, the lying from you is done.
Because you know I'm never coming back.

When some things turn to dumb things,

thats when you put your foot down.

K, I wrote most of it while I was being very angry... It wasnt just some teenage angst leftovers. It's very much, now.

doesnt really want to talk, ironically.

2010-07-01T21:54:00.000+08:00

i just wanted a chemical reaction, a positive change, a lift up. i saw that potential. that life i saw. thats why i have so many photos. to keep the happiness frozen. the memories. and ive spiraled down and thrown about violently. there's nth positive i can think about now... except going into the room and playing millionaire tycoon till i fall asleep... with meowmeow beside me. maybe suntanning might work this wkend.
a few days ago i told myself i'd get up...

but a few days later, the setbacks one after another...

to be successful in getting up and steady, u just need to put the setbacks behind and try again...
subconsciously tryin to...
subconsciously inside, i hvnt gave up.

ive been reaching out for stars... ive been jumping and tryin to grab hold of one..
but now the skies are dark and im tired...

and today was just another day with tyranny and horribleness. amongst the failing body. the health.
i dno how long i can hold out like this...
let me just go force some food down my throat before i pass out on my computer chair.

faint

2010-07-01T14:55:00.000+08:00

to eat or not to eat.

if i eat this, i will lose that.

if i dont eat it, i will lose another of that.

and some way or another i just get skinnier and skinnier.

i feel like im disappearing.

i wasnt even able to get out of bed. my ribs were just feeling raw. the hip bones were jutting out so badly.

and the spine... wooo. and my stomach's protesting like hell.

and my blood sugar's so low i cant see when i stand up. and my head's heavy.

and somehow ive had it with solitude and bad dreams.

;(

run devil run!

2010-06-29T21:00:00.002+08:00

ladiiddaa rrrraaaaa~

im blogging! (when im not sleeping the whole day and night)

the funny thing abt me is the nonchalance level upped after all these years of "experience" in life.
lemme just show u why im so OKAY about what im gna announce... (at the end of the list)

1. relatives never keeping to their promises (its not really their responsibility, granted, but dont make promises you dont want to keep right? esp when kids hold on to them like candy in a jar waiting for the right day to eat it all together... and realizing they cant have no god damned candy... bummer. i.e more substantial promises like my studies and such)

2. relatives ostracizing you for religion. check.

3. relatives affecting your brother for choices with regards to religion. check.

and people in your religion being UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY.
realizing that everything is just a mask, a facade, political bull so to speak.

4. relatives severing ties with you thereafter. check, check. (also includes not wanting to speak to u even when spoken to)

5. decade long friends leaving you for religion. check. (i.e it must happen during ur downest of dumps moment when ure contemplating between eating a bomb or swallowing toilet bowl water until u burst to death, ok no, ew?)

6. decade long friends fucking u up and severing ties for no reason. check. (i.e being late for suntanning)

7. decade long friends fucking up and having you lost money in a business and amongst other things. check.

8. decade long friends' boyfriends throwing racist comments at your friends/boyfriend/ex all over facebook and your friend says they arent to blame for it. i say they are because of their stupidity of the inability to comprehend a joke hence the hidden inclination to jump and attack. mark my words, hidden inclination. check.

9. the passing away of my best friend, bobby... the only one who isnt like the people of the above mentioned. aft losing him, i know how much animals mean to me... humans for the other can just go... drink toilet bowl water until they burst. hah. eat that. i mean, drink

10. relatives exploding in your face almost literally until u break down like uve never before. over, what?

11. family turning their backs against u... family stopping u from being with the one u love. family tracking your every move, family calling ur mobile provider for information about calls u make, family checking the redial buttons, family eavesdropping, family hurling verbal abuse at your boyfriend and family, family threatening to ruin lives of your boyfriend, family not talking to u, family conspiring against u, holding meetings and discussions and plans behind closed doors... and more... oops am i washing my dirty linen in public, damned.

12. oh how can i forget! close friends fucking u up and leaving u as a friend on ur 21st birthday!

13. the working world. enough said.

yeah, so with all that and i believe more...
my brother asked me to pack my goodies and move my scrawny lil arse out of the hse.

basically im still at home cos he isnt one of the owners of this hse and i will only do that when the owner says it AND has it on black and white.

and of course, he says my father will disown me.

and den i look at myself in the mirror and wonder,

do i have very bad b.o?

do i have an extremely ugly face?
sarcasm yes, a bad sense of humour (sometimes), a shitload of bitterness yes, or

a bad attitude? a bad family? or what? someone tell me, isit in the stars?

i dno, i just started smelling myself and wondering why everyone is running away from me.... :l

but apparently, no, i use deodorant, so....................

yeah whatever. i still have meowmeow.

anw enough words, photos -

i dno its name but it lives in my house and is quite cute :x

lots and lots of clips and hairspray!!! :D
very haps.

another fella.

pls dont ask me why the receipt is in there. lol!

the 3 little fellas

finally im proud to present an item i cant live a day without....

this is your friend.

unicorn cloud!!!!

im a b-girl :D

my new bag i bought even tho im broke!
but its worth it right. haha. i mean, look at it!
all blingz and all.

yay finally a gd photo of us! HAHA

mr toh gna dig in!

i packed my room and spent half an hour untangling those beads...

meowmeow going to bed but not before checking out the new edition of the room,
yes meowmeow, they are friendly!

ok, she is appeased (: she sleeps on me! altho im bony and she doesnt really like it now.

ya i just shuff the junk to the corners... haha

meowmeowmeowmeow and me!

one last look before i leave... goodbye nice people! sorry if i ddnt personally went to say goodbye and stay hidden in my cubicle, i suck at goodbyes cos i will start regretting and feel sucky... and miss u guys too much to want to leave. haha.

i should just let it go, till they learn how to grow

2010-06-23T03:48:00.000+08:00

today i came home and spoke to no one, ddnt eat the dinner my dad made, but went to sleep and woke up to have some quiet time away on my own. it feels good. recently, ive been very disgusted and i wont even say disappointed with my father because i should really expect him to do such things having known more about him this timeline through back to 08. and when im very stressed, i take solace in keeping mute recently. it has been effective. and i dno how it happened, i just didnt want to speak. it calmed me down, it helped me know that i dont have to be forced to answer pressing questions that i dont have answers to.
however today's gna be my last day at my current company. it's gna be busy with all the handing over, but thanks to gq for accompanying me for breakfast and making sure i get my ass to work... the last few days have been difficult (for some reasons) but at least ive "done my time" with some help. definitely not from my family i dare say. however their concern for me, it's like grabbing a butterfly so tightly so that it doesnt fly...

pinning its wings down or crumpling them so much that flight would be difficult. and the grip could be suffocating.

recently, ive made some awfully difficult decisions in my life and now im at major turning points. im gna cut out the major stress factors in my life and concentrate on me. finding my life.

when i look at the photos im in, i know i was born happy. i grew up happy despite adversity and i still strive to be inspite the grave nagging feelings. when i look at the photos im in, i know i deserve to feel like i look.

i dont need someone to cover it all up or tell me a lie,

i just need a little "luck" here and opportunity.

a kick to start up a flight.

i just need a chance.

swing swing swing

2010-06-22T06:40:00.000+08:00

these days ive been busy.

too many photos.

no time.

the photos are just piling up, i shall just screw the blogging this time, let the memories be retained in those photos on fb. alot of first tries, first times this mth tho!

basically, i should be really blessed and lucky at times where i stand... at times.

anw im not tryin to be rude or anytg but, sigh, i feel kinda pain for what it has come to.

and how the thing has branched out. very saddening to see the drive and the compromise made for money.

i dont even feel like the effort and time NOT TO MENTION MONEY put in was worth all that bull.
and all this that i'm seeing.

anw, yep, a definite first, i feel like PUNCHING my father.

he's being sucha rude bitch i swear. it's damn horrid.

do men have menopause too? gosh. if so, why are the men in my hse like that right. when the female is always so 'happy-go-lucky'. im always so cheery and happy at home, i dont get it why they have to be so horrible.
but whatever man, i gotta focus.

second last day of wrk... gotta handover and clear up shit.
cant wait for wednesday to be OVER.
the wkend looks so gawdamn appealing. i can imagine it already. i can smell it!

oooh and i love breakfasts! (: cant wait! im hungry!

i dont want to be kept, i dont want to be caged, i dont wanna be damned oh hell

2010-06-18T17:25:00.001+08:00

How apt, it’s 3.11pm and I am listening to 311’s Feel So Good, except that I am feeling far from that. Despite it being Friday, when we are all supposed to be thanking God (TGIF) and all… for some reason because the current work is unimaginably draining every possible ounce of life force in me. I’m telling you, I started out a very happy and cheery kid. I don’t know what life has done to me that I am THIS person. *inserts really bored face*

Maybe it is also because of the fact that we just shifted offices and I am freaking unhappy that I got an AWESOME desk with higher partitions – all the better to surf the net, no management sitting around me or supervisors – all the better to surf the net and talk on the phone, and GOD, ALL THIS SPACE!!! Damnid. 4days at this desk and there is nothing really personal left on it because I decided that since I am already about to go, why bother unpacking. But the reason for why this blog post might be really long and dreary is because for some reason, the company’s proxy blocked my computer from accessing facebook.

Facebook, a largely debatable subject, maybe a big deal enough to cause a war one day, is THAT important to our lives now. For some psychological reason, we NEED facebook in our lives, it destresses us, it lets everyone know how we feel, it can sometimes be even better than a blog or a therapist. I can basically go on forever about the pros and cons, but whatever, whats the point when it’s blocked now… Thankfully I have 3 more days left after this one eventually ends. It needs to.

And the mad rattling part is, this area is bustling with noise. Unlike as compared to the previous work area I was seated at. Their chatter are liken to the angels playing harps up in heaven. I turned abit psycho when I was on the line with gq earlier on after lunch, I started LAUGHING tiredly, but this laughter lasted about 5minutes, with no fuel, nothing, just tired laughter. It felt good.

the motel sign is flashing and in my mind im crashing- what to say?

2010-06-13T15:42:00.000+08:00

i should focus on the happy things instead. my brain feels so raw. it hurts.

i just want to retreat back into bed and sleep it all away. im not ready for monday.

im not ready for today. i cant believe myself. i guess i really know how to make things even more complicated than it already understated-ly is. the hole in my heart just got bigger. the thing in my head just pulsates with pain. i want to talk about the happy things. but its not the time.

my head hurts like hell.

my heart is empty.

and this is just when i think about me...

i hvnt thought abt the other factors.

and my dad's blasting Lobo in the hall, it sounds good, but all the lyrics just point to one thing.

one thing.

and my mind is about to burst. burst. burst.

IM GONNA SINK TO BED.

"it was just a foolish way, to try and bring back yesterday, it aint no way..."

just when you thought things couldnt get even more complicated.

2010-06-11T13:47:00.000+08:00

meet thursday, i decided. meet friday, im out. meet saturday, im lost. meet sunday...

okay, dont even talk about sunday yet, im just confused right as of now. monday of course, im doomed.

but before that, let me enjoy - or try to, my last weekend before i die. and die of malnutrition or self acknowledging starvation by july because the amount that will be reflected on my pay cheque will be too horrifying that i might just lose my appetite forever.

right now, i feel as stupid and frustrated as a spider tangled in its own spurned web. im not the fly waiting to be eaten that was blind and lame enough to be caught as a meal, or snack.

im the very spider caught in its own web.

think about that for awhile, how idiotic this nature could feel?

conflicting thoughts and unsettled feelings.

when you dont know what to listen to and everything is just an understatement of how you feel,

your heart or your brain.

in obvious view that both cannot be trusted...

but if i keep up with my eating habits and lifestyle, i could be a magician spider and

do a disappearing act.

on the field i remember you were incredible, on the match with the boys, ure alone

2010-06-08T12:54:00.000+08:00

"if my dreams for us can get us through just one more day, it's alright by me. there's no time for survival, the time is now, cos this might be... your last chance."

how many chances in your life do you meet a soulmate?

how do you let go of the one hand uve held on so tightly for so long, the only lifeline uve ever known from all that was lost by choice and circumstances. in that time amidst all that trauma and hysteria, there was love, soul, wholeness, sincerity, faith and trust. like never experienced before. there were moments etched into the back of my skull and painfully into the wall of my heart.

despite how we were opposed, despite how he was ostracized, he stood by me and i did, by him. the bond we shared and created, unmistakable, unbreakable...

despite never being able to have a proper relationship, we had so much more than what a proper relationship had to give. the comfort, the happiness, the tears, the deepest understanding...

i brushed them all aside because i was desperately searching for that oasis in the desert.

searching for the greener grass on the other side.

and i begin to think up a whole new life that motivated me.

in a daze, in that haze i shook free of that hand, that lifeline... that love of my life.

i thought what i had was dark until i stepped out into a light i was completely not used to...

realization came in a form that darkness was cozy.

it was my comfort.

it was my life.

and now im afraid.

the nights that i couldnt hold back the sounds and the pain... and my family enters asking whats wrong...

what can i tell them?

that the romeo i had was killed and juliet i am is dying by their hands?

i dont want to think that this is a phase.

that all i have faith in this bond will be erased.

i want to think that it would last forever.

at least if i could not have him in physic, i could have him in spirit.

in every tear i shed.

in my soul.

my spirit moans with a sacred pain.

if our paths meet and our love never died...

could i defy gravity for u?

remember all the words ive said...

remember because i meant them with all my heart.

as i remember ur words.

we are one.

our hearts.

i love u imran, always.

"I pack my case. I check my face.I look a little bit older. I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I caught my stride. I flew and flied.
I know if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to."

all these things that ive done

2010-06-05T19:24:00.000+08:00

because the uber sexy and awesome dress was sold out, i bought another dressy top (just chic, elegant sorta and in cream) and today, the backorder for the uber sexy and awesome dress opened!!!

of cos i had to whip out my ib chip and make payment there and then.

its only 5th of june and im down to a little more than half a month of my allowance.

IM SO SCREWED THIS MONTH.

but hey, the items arrive in july!

and PLEASE MAKE MY HAIR GROW FASTER... i want to wear my dresses and pretty clothes again.

anw on a side but exciting note, my dad found my primary 5 camp booklet!

im so gna scan it, i was screaming like crazy over it when he gave it to me.

i will elaborate on that whole story once its scanned and up! (:

and lastly on a side but idiotic note,

my brother loves to prod my bald spot every time he passes me using the computer...

its damn annoying i swear.

im waiting for the time he gets bald like mr pink and den i can slap the shiny spot in front of all his kids...

just you wait matthew tan.

time heals hearts, if you cant hold on.... hold on.

2010-06-05T12:31:00.000+08:00

my header is damn epic. its the killers kinda epic. speaking of which ive seen the movie of the same name and ashton kutcher is flawless i swear and awesomically lean! (i have a thing for lean dudes as it is apparent) and katherine was the sidekick of hotness and quirk. i love the cast selections for the front few roles.

anw ive tweaked my blog just by a bit and will continue to do so, probably gna remove all those links and replace them with my pagan symbols and things of more importance to me. like a daily bible to remind me of the things close to my heart... like say for example this cat i came home and found sleeping on my bed

..
..
..
..
..

♥
her arm pit is so cute! hahahahaha

and the rest are just random.

trying to make new signatures for fun, i kinda like the middle one but i can never sign it like that again -.-

and i really hope they remake this piece...
it's cheap and to die for...
i really really want!
anw im gna make it a point to buy at least one item every month online. :D

-

i dont really have much things of the heart to say right now, i feel ive spilled them all out last night.
so basically im dry and empty.
which is good.
bus rides with the killers in my head is good too.
weekends are great for sleeping in too...
and all ive got to remind myself to take in stride is that "everything changes, like a cigarette in the mouth", something like my quote in life to make it all OKAY.

-

and i take it as tmr's gna be L4D2, Movies & Dinner day! (:
can-not wait!

console me in my darkest hour, convince me that the truth is always grey

2010-06-03T18:44:00.000+08:00

quit her job, has about another $515.00 of personal debt to clear, has got an interview on Saturday for another admin sorta job near Tampines! (I really hope the pay is as good as I heard and I am CROSSING my fingers damn tightly that the job scope and environment is good for me! Really cant wait for Saturday!), just bought a top online for $30.00 bucks, placed a reservation for a $25.00 body con slashed sleeved and back dress... (DAMN CHIO) and best of all,

I DID NOT EXCEED MY HANDPHONE BILL THIS MONTH!!!

omg record breaking, first time ever. my hp bill after having an iphone went from $80 to $60 to $36 :D

im so completely shocked when i received my bill. my load will be alot less lighter if my mobile bills arent that expensive.

judging that im gna quit and that my end of the mth salary is gna be of an all time low...

i shouldnt even be shopping.

plus all the excess clothes left over from my last bkk trip...

but well, its just one time after so damn long, i feel abit guilty yet optimistic that my life should get better with a higher paying job. i plan to take my dip this year too, i know it has been long dragged...

so im really banking on this saturday to see where the wind can take me to.

i really can only hope for the best right now...

and think of how to sit it out until i leave that desk... i swear im not tryin to be rude or anything by being absent all the time... but i just cant stand it anymore... its not about my company, its just me and my personality that cant take it thats all.

i dno hw im gna endure the last few weeks.

anw on another note of my personal life...

friendship has taken its toll. im so tired of the way some girls are.

my family is shocked at the money i seem to have to pay up over that biz venture.

why dont i have problems with my guy friends?

and i realized how isolated ive been from people, it isnt very obvious but

these days i seem to have nobody to turn to or hang out with as compared to the array there was.

yes its damn lonely sitting home even on wkdays wishing there was some activity.

ive given up hope on relationships at the moment...

im just striving to get my life back in place.

and to keep the one best person in my life close to me...

i really hope he dont fade away.

if my life wants to make a right turn, it has to be on saturday.

im banking my whole entire future on this one way street to get me back on the highway...

it is that impt to me...

i pray. sincerely. for the best.

im not lookin for sweet talk, im lookin for time

2010-06-02T15:56:00.000+08:00

i think im not ready. i need to grief. i need to go down on my knees and put my face in a pillow and scream it out. and my dad and brother will come in the room and ask what happen...

and what can i say?

that out of their protection for me,

their daughter suffers like this?

he knows my insecurity issues, the one valentine's day we celebrated...

it wasnt fantastic because by that time, everything was so haywired...

but i will never forget, tucked safely away at the back of my cupboard i kept a box wrapped with a string of ribbon.

in it, it is a rose.

one that will never wither, one that will never die.

but made out of love by craft.

and surrounding the rose were perfect chosen brown leaves...

real leaves that will wither, real leaves that will die.

and he tells me that all the brown leaves are how he looks at rest of the girls in the world.

and that im his rose.

i think i tried to put aside all the great things we had so that i was able to leave.

but when its gone, the great things just all keep coming back...

so take your suitcase cos i dont mind

2010-06-01T09:34:00.000+08:00

it could be because for a long time now i couldnt do those things we could. because for a long time now, ive been put behind bars and happiness was found in whatever simplicity hidden under the table like food scraps.

and there was so much at stake. so little left to keep.

we never had what normal people could and that was all so important to me that ive been tempting to give it all up for a chance to live and love and breathe again.

but the chance might leave me wanting to run back under the table and hide, finding that all you ever known in your time of trial is gone. after all, it was where i seeked shelter from the realism and cruelty of the world.

i didnt even have a place to call home.

and ive been warring for so long, to give up loyalty, love, amongst the other things only he had to give. because the pressure and the deep contentment was too much for me to take, i was always under the gun.

reality hurts knowing he's gotta be gone someday.

and beyond the door i peeked, i saw, felt, believed and imagined up a new life.

and from time to time i weighed out the consequences.

i dug out inner strength.

i was finding faith.

i just needed time.

but i forgot alot of things.

i was too caught up with myself that i forgot the rest of the play.

again, reality.

again, priorities.

not all about the future setting, but about the present.

part of me wants to open my shell and breathe, take in the sun and sea.

but a little movement and hurt and im to clam up shut.

and now im just stuck on the sand in darkness and uncertainty... definite insecurity, just waiting for the tide to come wash me away.

"dear john"

2010-06-01T01:23:00.000+08:00

im amazed by how well imran knows me, even tho everyday he's busy off serving the nation, again. HAHA. it's goes like this -

i: you got something you wna tell me?

j: uh, sorry what?

i: ure peeling ur fingers again...

j: oh..! *realizing*

i: yeah you do that when ure stressed.and i know you heard me the first time...

you were just buying your time to think about my question.

DAMNID?!

bleddy hell.

i went to sleep without msging him tnght and immediately he knws what i was doing..

woke up at 12am to eat my dinner... only because my dad cooked maggi mee for me, otherwise i will just go to sleep... i mean i shld regret not feeding myself properly in about half my lifetime to come next.

but den again, that is if i last till den.

somethings are just better left unsaid.

we are in a mess, a danger zone, what will happen next, you never know.

2010-05-30T18:13:00.002+08:00

my blog's gna be boring because i think i lost the interest in blogging since a few mths ago as it is so much easier uploading photos up on fb. i guess its just gna be officially an outlet for me to release. so its all gna be just words. and emotions. :l a horrendous combination.

so, flee if you must.

and so the ball started rolling, like i previously said. my friends are all starting to date again and it's weird because there was this rather long haul where everybody was single. now a new batch of people to get to know. and its worst when recently i feel socially handicapped, it's difficult for me to open up to others.

anw there must be a problem with local girls because all of my friends have girlfriends that arent.

hence also it led to the fact that i recently tendered my resignation at my current company and i dont know where i might go, just throwing up the sand in the air and see which direction the wind goes. the mother said i was being irresponsible because i have to help support the remaining "family" i seem to have. i guess she isnt one to talk about responsibility and i know i have my reasons. and all i really want to do now is try for something customer service related. if i cant help myself, i can concentrate my energy in helping others. maybe go volunteer at the pound or something. die an old lady with a houseful of cats that sorta thing. haha.

im a person who cant contain things, i need to TALK to people who i think are able to understand. i need alot of things that i dont have now. i just want to close my eyes and contain the tears. and all i come home to are snide remarks, cynic and monetary issues. i dont blame them. the damage is just infectious. and so, i isolate. but its a vicious cycle in itself.

like it will be with the relationships i have, isolation would lead me to regret the loss because of choice.

but i would walk another path if you showed me how...

feeling the punch of it all

2010-05-29T13:11:00.000+08:00

i feel damn upset.

over one thing. which entails from an umbrella of things.

my confidence in myself, in my abilities, in my creativity have crashed.

i mean i felt at the time i was just being too nice and easy going that i ddnt have control of anything with regards to what i wanted. unable to expand my thoughts.

i dont know how to explain it. i just feel very inferior and terrible.

yeah, i feel the PUNCH even more so now...

ive got to learn to let go every single time until it doesnt feel so bad anymore.

im tryin to shake this feeling away, it brings me down so badly against gravity that it hurts because i feel the pressure of the weight of my heart. wanting to just sink down into the ground.

maybe, just maybe i could... earn a living from my dreams.

i wish we all could.

riddling words to awaken your mind

2010-05-25T15:12:00.003+08:00

silly the way the past distils, such sense of loss.

which slowly rub the detail out, perspectives shift and passions cool.

and where are all those others now to whom i drew so close?

to think the pledges conjured from the touch of honest words

were in the end a merely circumstantial link with all the dead ends

of a past. best pretend we have, indeed, forgotten how we loved,

none of those was bound to last.

paths divide to cross again, sometimes to part for good.

and love we made, but could not hold. the ignorance

by which it stood, a moment stood and saw us choose

to halve the measure of a pain neither alone,

deserved to stand.

and lunch saves the day.

i need direction to perfection, you know you gotta help me out.

2010-05-24T21:56:00.001+08:00

i had a dream that i worked as a psychologist. not those who sit by the chair and ask how you feel, but the one who goes to home visits and conduct therapy there. in my dreams, my patients were all children, so i reckon i was a child psychologist and i was on my first few jobs.

which reminds me of the time i was a kid and what i had wasnt known to anyone around me, called Separation Anxiety Disorder. Which of course is self-descriptive.

"involves excessive anxiety that occurs when a child is separated from home or a family caregiver. These children tend to come from very close-knit families. (or in my case, dysfunctional) The most significant social development problem is school refusal. (primary 1 and sec 1 was the worst years i recall) Some children with separation anxiety will refuse to go to school, to the point of having tantrums at the bus stop or at the school door. (i was always "sick", i was always crying, i was always unable to sleep... i was always miserable at nights before school) This may lead to academic adjustment problems, and social problems with their peer group. (i remember my best friends were very sad and they took it personal whenever i was forced to class and the first thing i would do was put my head down to the desk to cry)
This problem sometimes develops after a traumatic life event, such as the death of a relative or a pet, or prolonged illness in the child or a family member. At times, it occurs after relocating to a new environment, or following the divorce or separation of his/her parents.(i think everything of the above happened... i just feel sad to have suffered, alone..)
Children with this psychological behavior problem display inappropriate, excessive anxiety when separating from home or a caregiver. The child may worry about something bad happening to a parent, or may worry that they will experience a disaster if separated from the parent (being kidnapped, etc.). The child may be reluctant to go to school, or may be very fearful of being alone, without a parent. They may be fearful of sleeping away from home, or away from their parent. They may experience recurrent nightmares with separation themes, and sometimes will complain of a variety of physical symptoms to avoid separation (headache, vomiting, etc.). (yup... it is damn sad.
looking back if i had a black and white film of me in it, i would cry watching me.
or any other kid because i feel for them i guess. )

so when i had such dreams of children to help, it was all very detailed and i want to remember the experience.
my 5th case was a highly volatile kid of 9,10.
he was so violent that the guardian advised me to wear a helmet when i went in to visit him.
he was tryin to wash the dishes. i went in, obvious to the situation due to all the details given,
without the helmet of course...
i reasoned to myself, if all adults went in there with protective gears and i did, without any...
i would be first, grabbing his attention of finally someone different, secondly, showing him the
value of trust and i am slowly inculcating in him that he isnt to be feared of.
that i was different. and that he would be treated no differently from any other child.
and so, that was what i was trying to prove in my first visit.

i went next to him and took it upon myself to "introduce" myself to him as a partner, someone that he was equal with, teaching the value of what it was to help by taking the initiative to wash the dishes next to him.
i nonchalantly passed him the washed dishes for him to place appropriately. that was to show him that i wasnt about to ASK him to do anything like others would. that i meant a little more "business".
he was slightly taken aback by the new gesture, stared at me a little with inquiring eyes, blinking slowly.
i just turned my attention to him, finally having stalled for some time, smiled a little and swiftly went on back to the dishes. i was a silent partner.
i wasnt about to irritate a kid with glasses and porcelain in his way...

so after the dishes were done, boy was i relieved we went away from all that head cracking, face scarring objects. i was to mask my fears from this boy if i ever wanted to help him.
before i took any of his objects, i remember asking him in a very light but mature tone if i could do so.
he ddnt respond but he wasnt objecting, so i started creating my own toy empire...
this was to impress him and get him to know that we have similar interests.
it worked.
and very soon, the little chap was feeling sleepy, i extended my "duty" of charge 2 and a half hrs more to accompany him and the guardian of course wasnt pleased. he wanted us to quickly get the hell out of there.
but i wasnt about to show him that like every adult who tried to help, i was another clock watcher who would leave no matter what at 5.30pm.
so when he woke up from his nap, it impressed upon him that i was still around.
his parents came back with a little shock that i was still there but nonetheless i was glad i stayed because i got to see the root of the problem...
his father.
he was not only idiotic, he was an abuser of words and ways.
and i knew i had a problem as the family was still intact and i cant separate him from his dad now would i?
his father needed more work den the child does.
after all, what the child did was unintentional with no reason like an adult like his own father.
and i wondered how i could help the kid when the own father was the whole root of the problem.
i observed how he would be around his dad, the same, quiet. but his dad would be loud and abusive calling him names and shouting occasionally.

and den i saw it with my own eyes when the mom came over and asked him a question really loudly and clearly as if he was a retard or some deaf kid... he hit the mother on the head really really hardly from the top raising to his height for added impact and force.
his dad started laughing and saying that no amount of therapy could help this one.
i for one, found it really unimpressive if i spent so much time undoing their knots and they come home and tangle them up all over again.

i turned to the kid and told him i will be back to "accompany" him at home the next day and swiftly said my goodbyes to the parents.

the next few days, i was cautiously afraid but remained calm and acted on what i deemed right at the moment.
i wasnt reading a book on how to cure him, i was reading him on how to be his friend.
and i remember the sense of pride n satisfaction when he responded to me, talked to me, allowed me to teach him the idea of a garage sale for his unwanted toys,
i remember how happy i was to see him sitting on the bus in public with his mom and sister (he seated alone of course), while he turned and smiled at them...
and they had tears in their eyes.
altho i had to be pulled around by his hand everyday as i wasnt about to teach him obedience yet... (for fear of being hit for the first time... because if you get hit by the kid once, you have lost that value... that respect)
altho i had to do almost everything he wanted to, with a few suggestions to get out of the situation if i have to...

he was improving.
because i made a volatile kid love me.
and i soon grew to be his real friend. like he was to me.

and that was my dream this afternoon (:

zero, five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty five, what? THIRTY?!

2010-05-22T03:11:00.000+08:00

bugis.
haji lane.
clarke quay.
clarke quay.
dempsey road.
red dot.

happy birthday jasmine tay! the cauliflower sister in the gardens of china. lol.

different kind of pain

2010-05-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

and night falls and im pushed to face with reality. when in the day im just in a daze and stoned. these days, my actions have been unexplainable, sometimes i wake up and think to myself, "did i just do that?" "help" seems to work against me so much, i feel like im stuck here wondering which way i can turn, when it seems like all roads are blocked in bright neon signs.
it isnt because i dont want to be positive. right now im just in a shroud of clouds.
i try not to think too much, but it seems thats just what ive not been doing recently.

i cant move on and i cant stay here.

sitting on the floor with scotland yard

2010-05-17T21:54:00.000+08:00

the cauliflower sisters had some retail therapy.

robinhood is a waste of time and money.

we camwhored.

we had two cars. i wish i could drive!

we had imperial treasure! hot and sour la mian with vinegar and shui jin bao!!! :D and chinese tea. woo.

we became prc for the day. and possibly for a long time.

alcohol worked against my happiness this time. i short circuited. but i think i know why.

we sat by the reservoir and had a few and many good laughs.

my "friend" is a prank caller who is also possibly in a process of becoming a stalker.

i missed work today cos i was sick the whole night.

i like my oranges cold with ice and with salt.

i like my green apples with prune powder.

thought i was focus, but im scared, im not prepared. i hyperventilate, looking for help somehow somewhere.

im sick of feeling, take this all away, im suffocating. put me out of my misery. tell me what the fuck is wrong,

with me.

Haraboji, 그는 괜찮을거야 (and play great music for you to listen all the time). 당신은 평화에 지금있을 수 있습니다

2010-05-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

some convo with my bro...

Bro: come and see my restaurant u fool

Bro: its great

Bro: u will eat for free u fool

Bro: bye!!!

[17:35] Jessica Tan: eee

[17:35] Jessica Tan: who cares

anw condolences to my bestie...
this was taken from his original message and tweaked abit, of cos with the help of the translator.

"Haraboji, 그는 괜찮을거야 (and play great music for you to listen all the time). 당신은 평화에 지금있을 수 있습니다"

A caterpilla's dream to fly

2010-05-12T08:19:00.001+08:00

For now i live a day as it is, doing what I ought to do. And after my day there ends, I think about the other possibilites.

And take better control of my feelings and thought rather than let them control me but tts easier said than done of cos.

And now I have smtg to look forward to this Saturday. I shall do my research :) I really want to make things work out better for me. It's improving but I need more out of life.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

K.

2010-05-09T03:50:00.000+08:00

im feeling fuckin pissed for being scolded on fb for over saying "K." like twice. okay fine, maybe it triggers something, but still, dont need to tk it out on me right?

and seeing the newly added peeps, somehow i wonder why is it all so stereotypical, i dont understand why im so fucking pissed off now!

i dont know, for months, maybe a year even, ive always been tryin to explain things. everything has to be some sort of explanation. some sort of apology. some sort of effect. some sort of decision to make. some sort of consequence.
things have been awesome otherwise. i dont know why it has gotta be so hard on this particular train ride, this particular episode. and talk about the guilt trips. when i dont think i should be suffering from so much of it. my heart wants to burst.

im ranting non stop now...

i keep reaching breaking limit but never break.

never been able to.

just let me release, break away, once.

my heart has never skipped a beat in the longest time

2010-05-04T17:58:00.000+08:00

there's no one in the family i could turn to. last night i had a dream abt her, she was to serve as a missionary in malaysia for 10 years. even then, i refused to speak to her. in the dream, i hit the table and said i will never speak to her again. this probably will be true.

no tears this time, no real pain shown.
just alot of feelings.
too confusing.

im scared.

it has never been easy for the past year making ANY decision at all, esp when im down like that, the simplest of decisions to decide between an ice cream flavor, what to eat, stuff like that just makes me so frustrated, imran helps me choose stuff at times. and i dont say no, cos there's no opinion or objection left in me during times like this.

its not that i refuse to open up to anyone.
people just dont have what it takes to understand.

i mean i tried.
i wish they could of cos i do...
but sometimes when ure feeling raw and out, it worsens matters by the choice of words they say or the things they do or say about you. they have the capacity to move, to take action...

but i dont need to say more...

im really lost this time.

its 5.50pm and there is no more escape.

Cut my lifeline n see if I can breathe

2010-05-04T11:34:00.000+08:00

Another day, never seems enough.
Another phase of my life, but this time I discard. Things are being dismantled piece by piece starting from the mask I wear everyday. I can't go out without it. My life support, my guardian angel went back to it's sky. If it takes more time to stand back up than the time I am able to remain standing, then more than half of the rest of my life will be gone. I hope this is not such a vicious cycle.

I don't hv what it takes to weather anything. Not much left anyway.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

when its, love and darkness at my side

2010-05-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

omg no, the wkend is over.
ive been going out every day. and i cant believe i can actually spend $500 in 6 days.
and ive a few bags of clothes now in my room, i dno hw to put them in my wardrobe anymore.
its spilled out and collecting dust cos there's too many things i dont wear.
but still want to keep. because of my stupid hair. i mean i love my short hair yet i miss the clothes i wear with it long. oh well, i absolutely DETEST the fact that the wkend is over.

need i say why.

K i think I'm stuck in a timeless dream

2010-04-30T00:57:00.001+08:00

I love Robert Downey Jr. Period.

Ok I'm just kidding. We all know I can never really write sucha short post. ESP on someone so awesome like that. Anyway I think that my legs just put on a kilo of muscle from all tt brisk walking n running. Just to save money. And ya, I had to weigh between giving up the bus or passing the chance of camwhoring outside of charles n keith's awesome display mirror. I chose none as u can see from the following photo below...

And judging from the fact that I didn't eat dinner for two nights in a row and a teeny bit of lunch and I'm still able to type seated on the last bus home... And not typing this in a message or call to ask someone to pick my faint ass home...on a floor, I'm surprised. It must be that 7 rings of roller coaster rings and load of ice lemon tea I had. K technically..I'm lying, I had dinner. Cept tt I tnk the amount of air I consumed along with that 7 rings made me feel like there is more air in my digestive system den anything esle.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-04-29T19:38:00.000+08:00

I cannot, absolutely cannot believe that out of ALL AND I MEAN ALLLLLLLLL job duties, I did not even retain even one of something that I like to do!!!

I'm not pissed with anyone but with my own luck. You would expect that u'd get at least 1 or 2 duties that u like after a reshuffle or certain changes. But no, that only happens to others. Never in my lifetime. And why I'm picking a fight on this is because, besides the fact that I've to always pick the rotten apple out of the basket, now I've to eat it too?

I dun and never believed in doing smtg tt u dislike. People ask me why study marketing when ure not intending to go into the industry? Because I like. Simple. And when I like smtg, I ace it. Even at work, I love my duties, I love service, I ace it. When I hate the dishes, I take damn long to finish my food, when I hate a subject, I fail it or it tks alot of motivation to sit thru e lesson plan. When I hate my job, I procrastinated alot n it pisses ppl off. Not to mention how much harder it will be to even get out of bed??

I am so upset because alI retained was the permanent etching of that same figure that is going to appear on my pay cheque everlong.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One of my worst fears

2010-04-28T06:07:00.001+08:00

Omg I just woke up from a bad dream... It's too horrible n scary, but if I'm gna say what it is most ppl will laugh and think I'm really an airhead. My brain right now, I can tell is existant because it's feeling most raw from the dream. And my heart is still pounding from all that rush and run. :(

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i hope they burn in hell if there is really sucha place

2010-04-25T12:12:00.001+08:00

recently saw an updated version of my baby cousin, jaden. he looks so cute. he looks so happy and taken care of by nic. but i can only know how much they have grown thru facebook. not because i dont care to visit.
its just that, things have been rough with the religion and relatives.
not to mention family.

and everytime i see a jw, i dont get deeply affected, but hey, whenever i see THOSE faces in particular (not my family or relatives of cos), I GET VERY WORKED UP. truly hate them.they know who they are.
those you love the most, can turn around hurt you to protect themselves.
i used to think about patching things up, apologising for the episode or just hope that one day, they could be apart of my life like i was in theirs.

but.

metaphorically speaking, they put me in a situation where if there was a burning building,
there was a hamster and them in it, who would i save.
obviously the hamster.
first, it's so much damn cuter.

second, it might only nibble, doesnt hurt much like a stab in the FRONT or a twisting knife in your organs.
hamsters CANT do that.
and third, altho i can save all of them plus the hamster, i wouldn't want the precious rodent to just jump out of my palms in fear now would i??
i mean, why would anyone want to risk that? so i use both palms and cup the little fella.

motherfucking bitches.

and yknw i dont really have enemies, strong hatred or contempt for people.

but them?

and those who have went out and harm my brother?

ahh whatever, i dont think im ever going back into that organization. too much bad blood and pain.
even lost relatives in the process.
i dno man, whenever i touch this topic, it just triggers every bad fiber in me.

argh, i hate them.

no room for both, just room for me

2010-04-25T04:15:00.000+08:00

im moody, frustrated, sad, confused and trapped.
and i feel like getting eyelash implants.

i hate how my life is stagnant as it is now.

i hate it when my cat pees in my bag and i have to wash and dry and throw things.
and the bag happens to be a birthday present, just another one she ruined.
and my new purse.
fortunately non of gq, jasmine and ben's present got it.
i have tucked it up on higher ground. im so upset. no matter hw i wash it, there's still that dreadful smell ;(

i hate feeling so depressed, i hate staying in bed all day long, i hate having nothing to eat at home all the time and my allowance from my pay check has to go into stashing up when its already so limited these months.
im hungry!

i hate how people have to change. have to go away. have to leave. have to break up. have to die.

i hate how i feel so lonely.

im not afraid to admit it, my simple life should unfold.

people they come together, people they fall apart

2010-04-25T03:56:00.000+08:00

im gna play cheat and just copy and paste from my cbl.blogspot.com update :D

time spent with some of my closest friends left in my life. haha. sound so pathetic. but i am blessed with such friends nonetheless.

anyway so, it has been our birthday month, yh and mine.
and wy put up a surprise celeb for yh and den told me that it was for me too. so it became a surprise to surprise but to also a surprise for myself?? haha, yeah, smtg lidat. it was sneaky fun at new york new york! i bet the waiter had a big question mark as to why the 4 of us are all crouching and stuff.

yh, jess, sher, pris and stayz

i feel so alone! look at them line up like some pageant.

happy wishes

big mouth photo :D

had to blow half of the candles

and all lovey dovey cutting our mango cake

our wedding cake maybe

haa, this is funny

(:

anyway thats for the primary school girls!

and another birthday, yup, but not mine this time, one of sam and co's

right after the celeb with the psch girls, i went to boilers to meet up with the gang for baby m's bday (:

birthday babes

ahh, thats why you should never club during your birthday

and uh, we sabo-ed her up stage...

cute!

and um, one last photo to end my post (:

xoxo,
♥ jessica

like the desert miss the rain

2010-04-23T01:01:00.000+08:00

i miss him already...

but it has to be this way one time or another :(

we have so much fun tgt....
i hope we can still have some of those moments.

sigh.

it just gets harder to get through the day. the nights are easier but i cant sleep thru them.

i must weather this by myself...

and the daily drone of work isnt helping much... things are so mundane. i dont feel like i should be sitting there.

I wouldn't mind if my name changes to mrs

2010-04-21T19:19:00.000+08:00

Feeling too terrible to get thru the dull drone of the mid week, I decided to play coward and hide under the sheets.

I shall avoid problems, avoid emails to reply, avoid feelings and thoughts. And "right things to do". I only wna tnk of would haves and a make up dreams that I would like to happen. I know my dad's probably dreaming abt 4d nw.

I'm walking in the spiderwebs, leave a message.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's my life, or so I say

2010-04-20T08:28:00.000+08:00

Oh mann this is nuts.

I tried to come up with reasons to back the above mentioned up but all I can say us that all this is nuts.

when you walk away... oh, shalalalala

2010-04-18T17:12:00.000+08:00

things will NEVER be the same again and that's that. i dont want it to be the same again.
that part of my life was simple because it just was.
even if i tried to get a part of it back, it will never be the same again.
it will never be simple.
and i dont want it anymore.
it doesnt hurt me anymore.
all the roads we meant to walk are winded up.
and every time u turn back, it's a road block or a dead end.
and you want to try the new path you have never taken or thought of taking before.

anyway im damn disappointed with my camera. i know how people upgrade and look down on my kind of camera. cos the shutter speed's so slow and it uses AAA batteries, STILL and it's just fat n has a small screen.
but still, im the type who dont go for the latest because besides being broke all the time, i think that it's tiring to keep up with trends. of cos i want a gd digital cam, but im too lazy to save up for one.
but every time i fail to capture a moment in life that for obvious reasons will never occur again...
just makes me so upset with myself.
im not an equipped professional, but i still love photos. being in them n taking them.

anyhw, happy 23rd baby may.

tired of being tired

2010-04-16T12:41:00.001+08:00

my new high waisted pants.
love!
altho of cos i was rushing so i cant really grab a good picture.
or any good picture.

im gna have my dosage of zzs for lunch tdy.
super tired.

iphone is evil.

i went to bed at 9 pm.
and slept at 2 freaking am.

because of diner dash.
these has been going on for a few days ever since i started purchasing apps.
and whenever im slpy, i will walk over to yx's desk, but today that fella not here...
so no fox sweets, nobody to talk to about crap.
it being friday doesnt help as i thought it would. i have underestimated the human need.

nissin tom yam is my buddy for the day.

ratio of shoes giving away vs the ratio of shoes i buy? 15648350:1? probably.

2010-04-14T21:09:00.000+08:00

I am going to have an early night tonight while my partners slave away...
or watch the life of an american teenage girl. haha or play with their iphones.

wait, IM ALSO GOING TO PLAY WITH MY IPHONE!

freaking diner dash!!! i went to BUY the apps finally.

even tho i go to bed now, i get a feeling i end up sleeping late anyway -.-

and ps, another shoe gave way. and why do i only have that miserable pair of flats to wear?

oh wait, that day after shoot, i twisted my back and left all my shoes, accessories and clutches at yh's place.
but finally gna get them back on sat (: yay! we are going to have a retry photoshoot ever since that last fail encounter with dylan on the ground and i on the ground.

and after photoshoot is may's bday celeb at boilers. omg party?!
so motivated to work, but thinking about all the damn leaves i took this mth and how much im only gna get at

Publish Post

the end of the mth? not so fun.
ok ddnt really give much thot to what i wna blog tdy, i shld try and be more meaningful but i cant.

cos im rushing and i had a HORRIBLE dinner.

happy two two

2010-04-11T23:23:00.001+08:00

im a comic character, im specs slut

the brothers fu

jerms and me

our glorious food

fu the first is pimping the chairs

alright! i need more!

with beloved ben! miss the fella so damn much!
big hugs (:

and of cos these two quackies.
so happy to see them again (:

the stupid candle keeps getting blown off! so unlucky they say.

i suck at blowing candles

this is just too easy for me

awwww (:

the awesome clan! with kiwi's gf, so happy for him! and her cos he's a great guy! anw he seems to be the only one attached in our whole group... how weird is that?!

mutated strawberry!

haha anyway i havent been that hardworking taking photos and we didnt really have a proper cam, cant wait to get the new memory card for my dg cam so at least we can have a better cam for such occasions.

but still, so happy to have met the peeps and of cos, i always love being the center of attention, so my birthdays always make me happy :D

we went for supper at newton! yum and went to catch "Date Night". which was hilarious!

if i have to grow old every year (which of cos i have to), i wouldnt mind if i could spend it every time with sam and co!

i love you guys much. xoxo

because of winn-dixey

2010-04-11T08:41:00.000+08:00

thought i'd just watch a random show while having instant noodles at 6am in the morning. earlier on was my 22nd birthday celebration with sam and co. im thankful for these bunch of friends i met because of the faith i have that brought me to the school. it's interesting how life has these bends and turns.

i flipped on miotv channels and chose a "lame random dog movie" i thought to myself. and it turns out this "lame random dog moive" was one of the deepest and most soul searching shows ive never seen in such a long time. it made me go back to the time when i was 10 and when everything bad in the world was just your parents fighting.

bad was just as simple as playing in the children's room of the family court.
being analyzed by children psychologist based on all the trauma we had issued by the court.
being away from school all the time.
wondering how many days later this time it would take for your mother to return home again.
cycling along the streets of pasir ris and buying food for your sickly mother and not being able to reach up to alot of things, but all you can do is sweep the floor...
and bad was just as simple as watching her pack her bags and leave the scene.
and den when she left, bobby came into my life and all he ever did was be the one true friend i could count on.

and bad was when he died.

and i couldnt cry.

but broke down when i couldnt take him home with me. because i was always the one to take him home.

life was never the same again without bobby. never.

and i grew up from there, among all the other tragic stuff we had to go through...
i lost more family.
i lost more lifelong friends.
i learn that life was just a pattern.
and more reason to stop living because the pain was too accumulated, you hold your head in your hand and you let the tears trickle down your neck, with the sweat staining your shirt, you ask god to relief you of your pain.
and than there was medications to help with the pain.
but there was all the side effects.
all the fainting.

money became a problem.

and you tried to steady up your feet and put on that smile to work.

and all the time you saved up your money, there would be an urgent need for it in the house...
and you relatives would go back on their word and not help you in the end after all the years you have waited.
adults ALWAYS forget their promises.

or rather, they never remember them.

you learned alot of things about the real world.

and how we all just give up. even if we dont commit suicide, we all give up one way or another in our lives.

and this show just made me realize how different we were as kids and how if everything was as simple as we had it before, what a wonderful world this place would be.

it made me see alot of things i used to when i was a kid and how as a child, i told myself how i would NEVER be like THAT when i grow up and somehow, we forget what "like that" even meant along the way.

it brought tears to my eyes watching this show.

and it also put it really nicely that "you dont belong to anybody, you can only love what you got when you got it."

Blackbird fly away, may u never be broken again

2010-04-10T16:02:00.000+08:00

I just have to put on my game face today. Something looked forward to, covered in black clouds. Games all night. Sleepless nights. Equals three. Eerie cries at night. Disturbing the peace. Black thoughts. not very welcomed. Nobody rathers me. The trailing away of steps. The dialtones. Or the voicemails. The spite I had since I was 7. The love only animals are able to suffice. The uncomplicatedness. Yup, I need my game face tdy. It's the one that people see everyday. Not the one I wear inside.

An apology

2010-04-10T03:50:00.001+08:00

If I can just reach within to fix myself, I would. I have nought. Today I died another death. People might see it as stubbornness and childish ways. Well I see it differently, I look into the mirror n know I'm vengeful n sick. I see my mother inside of me. But worst.

They say if u love something, set it free... Maybe one day I'll look bck upon these things and smile, but today's not that day.

Today. I died another death. Not by anyone's doings but my own.

Jessica

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

post number one thousand altho you cant see the rest

2010-04-10T00:58:00.001+08:00

hey everyone this is post number frikking one thousand!!! :D
i write a shit lot. but not anymore. now im just too lazy.
im in this phase where all the energy i have is to get my hefty arse up to walk over to the copier machine like 20 times a day at least and den when im home, i cant even hold an argument without even getting bored and wanting to just sleep.

oh maybe not sleep, but yeah, no space for crap basically.
i really hope i had more capacity. like i used to.

anyway, yes its my birthday, awhile ago and we went to thailand (:
for a little shopping and i really mean LITTLE.
but well, everyone's been ASKING, omg, aint it messy there?

it was fun! hell yeah, of cos i can only say this once im safely landed in sg and i ddnt get my arse blown to pieces. but we've brought you evidence from the land of smiles can...

oops

my friends just love taking photos of me sleeping on the plane...

iphone co addict

HAHAHA fucking ugly.

cock face
yes stacy, we should get that specs la! next time!

in the jam with the locals

i forgot and went to wear HOT PINK there...
yeah hot pink is the new red! haha

i bring you photos even better than those cliche news coverage!
courtesy of stacy's dg and my iphone

we made friends while we were in the jam on the tuk tuk

red doesnt have to be the shirt, as long you have ribbon, a cap, something red, ure part of it there
even the girls at swensens wore red ribbons in their hair!

and those on the bridge cheer for the vehicles that past by

omg just check out the SIZE of that speaker?! wtf?!

dont we just miss the bottles... and why the pepsi is parked nx to the garbage i dno, its thailand man, who cares

our tuk tuk driver taking a smoke break while we were in the jam,
they usually shut off their engines when they are in the jam.

and we cam whore

we ate alot for breakfast!

alley protestors, cool as hell.

k, not from thailand

more new friends!
we had a blast in just one tuk tuk ride (:
very haps

check out the red cloth he took out when reaching the "zone"...

a beautiful mess

(: while waiting for our flights, luckily we had the company of a cool waiter with a mohawk do, gelatos and our iphones! haha

we had fun there... as bad as the media puts it, i think there are certainly other areas that are maybe more "violent" i dno, but hey, this is just from my side of the lens. so i think that i had a great experience with my first protest encounter. and people are like, omg are u girls mad.

there was a full flight to and fro! and there were so many people shopping, probably u can see 1/4 lesser the crowd but still, dont go there just cos i say its safe and i made it back. its just that we were really lucky (:
and happy to have met new friends! i wish the world was more alike what these people are...
random smiles, random poses for your cameras, random hellos with no motives whatsoever.and omg courtesy in the roads?! MARVELOUS.
the locals even HELP others to traffic the way and guide them, letting way for the motorcycles to go first and if u hide my rear, im not gna come out n smash your face.
just a wave n its ok already -.-
very friendly. im very glad to say that so far, this country has left me nothing but praise despite the protests and the hooha going on in the news.

if i ddnt know i would think its the freaking national day there -.-

i lost my baby fat

2010-04-06T04:47:00.000+08:00

these few days have been chaotic at home and horrible outside. things seemed to mellow, but hey, how mellow can it be when i just woke up at 2.05am and im leaving for the airport later at 5.30am, all decided just 12 hours before the flight? and yknw how the past just comes up and bites you on the sentimental nerve or maybe on the ass if it hurts or annoys? yeah today is one such day, among the recent days of cos and tell me about these endless dreams about my one ex colleague.
and just when i thot one of them was genuine about their friendship with me,

the nx thing yknw was a favour. im happy to help out of cos, but just abit sad after what happened and all that was said. i really hope it was great to meet me. except for all that drunken action. haha.
but still, it can be funny for laughs.

and oh yes, my age.... is catching up.

really random note: anw as much as the insults and critics have been for misha barton's weight increase, i still love the girl anyhow!

really random other note: if ure ever thinking of getting mio home plans, one word of advice, DONT.
and ray william johnson's videos are a must watch! i am so gna watch it religiously from now on, it helps that i have a new phone.

again, i know. but iphone is great, except for the ridiculous messaging part.

bye singapore, im going to celebrate my birthday in two different time zones! ((:

thats a first for me! ♥

faith, hope, love

2010-04-02T02:39:00.000+08:00

ive never gone about and done this before. how do guys do it?

and damn im having so much fun downloading songs. so much so much fun.

found lotsa awesome songs that i dont wna go to slp!

found lotsa old but awesome songs esp...

starsailor never proved to be one hit wonders.

NEVER.

i was last to leave in my dept tdy.

gotta clear my stuff before my long leave know!

black

i love my black teeth

black

yay good, cover my age, its a secret!

old already

wiiiiiii!

koreaning

whats with zombies and us

twiggy and hepburn

post cards, drawings and anna sui

oh my favourite corner... the stationery corner!!!

msging britt as usual.

and damn that boy's on his way, probably reached the states already.

hope all goes well!

but me really brit. cos im from uk yo.

cake time

surprise (: surprised!

imran just kept snapping away, until we complained.

kns dont anyhow blow my candle... ur bday over pls... haha

aiya anw no mood to ramble.

just that its a long hol for me. i got 6 days to play and rest.

and shop.

and sleep.

and download music.

and surf the net.

and work on cbl which ive been neglecting.

soundgarden's ready, i gtg!

2010-03-31T00:01:00.001+08:00

No matter how misunderstood u are, how everyone disapproves... U are by far the most amazing person I've met. Selfless and forgiving. Understanding and loving. I don't care what my friends or family say. Cos I m the one who know u best and i'm sorry for never standing up for u. I hope yknw, that I could have never made it out of that ordeal alive without u when one by one turned out and against me. I'm sorry for the way my family treated u. I'm sorry for e way my friends hurt u. And the way we had to go thru e stress n sleepless nights. I cannot finish and even begin to say how much these time have been... Thank you Imran. Thank you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

questions never answered, never spoken

2010-03-29T00:45:00.001+08:00

there's always a difference between being outgoing and being a flirt. i guess after that ended, i kinda fell completely out of category and lost track of time and senses.

i must admit, im messed up.

i was very messed up for the past 2 years that just whizzed by so quickly, i had a feeling it ddnt even happen at all.
just a few days ago, i snapped out into the world and found that i lost alot.

things are never the same arent they?

and it's as difficult as i never thought it would be.

i really dont know how to do this...

oh school never prepared us for this.

school never prepared us for life.

its time to wake up.

supermassive upload

2010-03-28T18:10:00.000+08:00

yup, like the title suggests...

its a supermassive upload...

damn chapalang.

enjoy.

event gT's pre birthday celebration
venue breeks
people sam and co
date 27 mar 2010
movie how to train your dragon

and randomness

one morning i woke up with wax in my hair...
my dad got a shock,
i got super amused.

lunch near my work place rocks.

yup, he's got the disease!

and
one day when i came home, i saw...

uberrrr cute!?
meowmeow peeking out at me.

and of cos, credits to yuhui... on that fateful day of so

temperature taking

heart beat check

starting to feel miserable

the painkiller stings!!! okay, tak glamness.

enduring the pain

sulking

and now meowmeow photos! got alot cos she's so cute.

my baby

oops, not meowmeow, it's some kittens we saw outside homeground.
they were play fighting! uber cute (:
was enjoying myself watching them while the mum just protects them nearby.

sigh, my shutter speed ;(
alot of nice moments lost.

the good natured mummy cat

the meow meow's pigu

k random. check out the basil. hahaha. or my nostrils.

more photos of my little friend.

yuhui wanted to iron her.

and the smiley face series

den i got an idea...

^^ super cute

and camwhoring photos up ahead... and damn i have missed my camwhoring days!!!

ITS A SUPERMASSIVE CAMWHORE!

ok la, srsly, i m not gna do a word blog. my ass hurts.
lesson to learn,
upload whenever free. dont accumulate. its a headache to process the photos. srsly. haha.

anyway, i wna watch the dragon show again!!! (:

Happy birthday

2010-03-28T05:11:00.000+08:00

Another sleepless night that brings to part how in worldwideweb do thy do it??

Goodness.

Gosh.

Golly.

How. What. Why. When.

I feel wires going in but I never feel them leave. I've slept walked for too long.

Oh and tdy I managed to meet Sam n co, at last! For gt's bday. Finally have photos to load. Watched 2 movies tdy, book of Eli and hw to train ur dragon. The latter was super awesome, 9 outta 10 I would hv to say. Came home n fussed over my very own 'toothless' :) I will get e photos up later, aft slp, wrk and rest. Blog again later! Gdght~

In e cold
Frozen
Calling out
No one hears
Expression remains
But the voice inside tears up
They hear nothing
They see the expression of the past
So they continue to walk by

I am aware now that everything's gna be fine, one day

2010-03-23T13:49:00.001+08:00

Okay,I'm fine again. Just another wave, the worst of it is over now. Anyway, here's meowmeow for u guys! :)

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I can't take it so I run away and hide

2010-03-23T03:39:00.001+08:00

I should live and let live. But I've always been confused about how thgs should be. In a few hrs I'm supposed to be at the hospital, an appt w the specialist. But best I ever had's been on repeat since forever and of cos it must be pay back for all those nights I slept thru the pain. Tired and determined. Now not so determined anymore. But of cos,live and let live.forget abt the gazillion stars you could see,forget abt the words said u wish were true.forget abt the cold air you breathed in up in the mountains.forget about the promises.
And maybe for starters,stop looping the freaking song. 3:38 am, oh and happy birthday Stacy :) yup 22... And this is where I'm gna be at 22.

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a spell that i was under... keeping me from seeing the real thing.

2010-03-22T16:19:00.000+08:00

i dno if my blog without pictures for now will bore the crap out of you guys, but im in the "lazy to edit my photos" phase... so bear with me until im out of it kay!

anw during cny i ate a fortune cookie for the first time that has a paper in it that says "Reward yourself. Take a break," some chinese words which i am hopeless at reading and 8908 for 4D perhaps? i shall give my dad the numbers. but as for the note that tells me to take a break, it applies to me everyday ^^

fat hope, im not rich.

but during my bday gna have a long wkend and extension! so yeah, its gna be great!

it's been a long time since i last partied, maybe 2 mths, 3? i was thinking i can do that for my birthday, but i wna celebrate it with sam n co the usual peeps as well as my primary sch close friends.

and also shanrong and imran of a separate occasion. usually i meet up with wansi, but during her birthdays im always so broke, i paiseh to celebrate my bday with her. hahaha. oh well, so i was thinking...

since its gna be 22nd, just another year, dont really need to pull anything special.

these days ive been going through alot of things in my head, pretty rare i know, but ive been reflecting and i know that i changed alot since aug 08 and its only because thgs have changed so drastically for me, i find it hard to keep up with the pace. hence, i feel ive lost myself during that pile of chaos, i cant believe i just got out of all that debris. and it's like that night i could have awoken from this dream of life and told my boyfriend that omg baby, did yknw that i had this bad dream with my brother in trouble and sick, my dad jobless for years and my relationship with him went so sour and horrid that i wanted to move out cos i cudnt tk the stress at home, and your friends, our friends opened up their houses for me, my whole life's perspective of my religion crumbling down, betrayed, my lifelong friends leaving me, my relatives - paternal and maternal, some severing ties, some i got into sticky situations with, mostly ddnt wna speak to me, misunderstood me while i shut my mouth up for them and i dreamed that i was very sick and scared and i couldnt do anything about it... and all i had was this guy, imran who i had to leave because my family hated him... and the one person who was there with me through out had to be torn away from me piece by piece, flesh by flesh until there was no more...

and of cos the hospital trips, the medications, the times i fainted, the times i broke, the times i just laid in bed, helpless and sick...

penniless.

yet trying to get back to wrk to help my brother, to help my dad despite...

i tried to keep a healthy smile at this company, i was treated like how my life played out to be,

and i constantly went outside the stairway to cry. but swallowed my pride and sadness and go back to earn that money i bring back for the family.

sometimes i drank too much and forgot all about morals and principals i had to lay by the streets or get carried home...

and when i thought i found stability, all i got was heart break and being led on time n time again.

and i got closer to my primary school girl friends... and work drove me crazy, i was so sick too, u tried to keep in touch with me, but i was too carried away by the lifeless things of the world, i was trapped in another world...

you tried to get to me, but i was gone...

and when i woke up...

i realize it wasnt a dream...

you, like the rest of my whole world was gone. i mean i ddnt blame anyone,

because time waits for no man... i was asleep all that while.

and i am left to continue this life from the imperfect pieces that was left behind...

confused and disarrayed... i straighten the creases from my dress from lying down too long and rubbed the swalloned eyes... the mascara streaks and the dried tear stains away..

yup, he was gone.

i tnk im going crazy.

2010-03-21T22:04:00.001+08:00

maybe in order to feel better, i should cut off all ties with that part of the world...

but they are my only world.

of all the tgs ive gone thru, this has gotta be the hardest thing ever... how can i do it?

and ive lost so much friends. i tnk im going crazy.

I wake up, it's a bad dream

2010-03-21T19:21:00.001+08:00

I wake up,it's a bad dream. Logged onto ebuddy n found Imran. He said really wise words that really
helped. That whatever I will be going through, "he" has been thru it before, supported it even tho it hurt him so much and survived that pain. So when it comes to my turn, I should be supportive and happy for him instead. I will find that strength in the love I have. I will have to be since these things I wi have to face one day and many have gone thru it. Thanks Imran for the advice, I will keep that in mind as best as I can.

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hot hot iiiisssuuueee.

2010-03-17T20:58:00.000+08:00

okay, so i really dno how i sprained slash twisted my back muscles? i had this really sharp pain for a few days and on saturday, just a week exactly after my food poisoning episode... we were doing this photoshoot and suddenly dylan fell on the road... stacy had to carry him as he kinda scrapped his knees.ouch. so the poor kid was sobbing at the burning pain and i went to grab him ice. was squatting down dabbing the ice on his knees when suddenly stacy and i HEARD A CRACK... and there i was cringing in pain, my face like a tomato...

and i was stuck in that position for like an hour? and yuhui provided me herself to lean on... haha.

it was tragic. they had to feed me with a straw and wy came to pick us up for our facial, but ended up going to cgh instead.

and i spent the afternoon and evening in a wheel chair being tortured by ms wang.

and my money flew away speedily too.

but well, at least i know i have really gd friends waiting outside for me...

there was stacy and dylan and sam who came along as well as yuhui and wy.

mr pink came too but was too ego to let wy send him home even after yuhui personally called him.

so funny.

so anw...

the painkiller jab hurt a lot!! really stings, not the jab, i love injections, dont get me wrong, it's the medication that stings. very painful. and i m the one with the tongue piercing who says this.

haha and 12 other piercings.

im a sucker for injections and piercings!

u can gimme the money, i can do it on the spot.

but well, the painkiller really knocked.me.flat.out.

i was slurring alot before i K.Oed. it was so weird but an interesting experience.

anw i have awesome friends and partners of cbl! :D

it lasted forever, but ended so soon.

2010-03-13T01:39:00.000+08:00

been so drained out, hardly have time for anybody or anything else. kinda miss my friends. its been mths since i last hung out with them. tdy at office, the aunties spoke to me and asked why am i not studying but working at this age. i told her, im not very young.

i never expected the day to come when i actually state that so soon. in less than a month away :/

but the point would be, that ya, im not very young. but sometimes people tnk im 25, because of the setting i work in, i am still the youngest since most people are 28 and above there. my peers are mainly the youths and temps. and this really nice auntie who constantly FEEDS us with chocolate and goodies. today i brought home yam yam and bee cheng hiang pork floss... and oh, toberone! it's nice being the i/c of stationary because everyone comes to you and everyone speaks to you at least once... i mean i may not be the most friendliest looking thing around (ive come to accept that) and most people say they dont wna hang out with me the first time they see me because im so... scary looking. fierce. or cool to put it nicely and bluff myself a little.
but after they speak to me, my name is cleared of that fierce title or scary (: so im happy.

and some even bring chocolates to "trade" for work i help them with... (that im supposed to help them with).

i dont hang out with them after work, i dont talk to them much about my personal life...

i dont even dare to talk to them much...

im just scared that people might just end up hating me all over again.

but because im too cooped up with no one to talk to...

during lunch im like a bullet train to some young temps...

i feel so sorry for their ears but i cant help it...

and maybe i got the looks from my dad who looks damn fierce according to every friend i have...

but it just got worst because of all the bullying in secondary school by the girls...

sometimes ppl and their actions alter your personality... you change to protect yourself.

most ppl tell me to take off the eyeliner... but it was changing my fashion sense, stripping off the bible holding image and long skirts and cardigan image that made the bullying stop...

and among other factors of cos.

but of cos, everyone would want to take home the decent looking one instead of the partying one at the end of the day for the long haul. nobody really takes you srsly in the end. unless of cos they really get to dig deeper behind the covers of the book.

and this long journey...

is a traffic light after traffic light. and jams after jams.
you step, you release, you step, you release.
and all you want to do is get home from the mentally exhausting world.

home where you wish there was someone who'd be happy to see you, besides your pet dog.

someone you'd be relieved to see at the end of everything.

that makes the whole day's work worth.

someone who thoughts of gets you thru the day.

someone whose tie you can adjust every morning, whose toothbrush you can squeeze toothpaste on every time.

and not someone you get dreams of for months after not seeing them anymore or probably never in your life again...

because you found out that unconditional love only existed with animals.

i am a flying colour, you are a fail.

2010-03-10T20:32:00.000+08:00

omg, chinese.

i am a fail.

anw i dont feel like replying any emails, bought korean kimchi noodles for dinner but dont feel like eating it too (cos i snacked) and just had to disappoint two customers... i dont wna talk about it alr, i mean the worst part is, its not within my control, i just feel damn unhappy. it's like up till now, ive never done anything but try my best to be patient and please or expedite their orders. but what does it really matter when these sort of things happen.

anw thankfully the customers are very nice... sigh, so far.

work has been busy these days and will be busier for these weeks. iphone has been very entertaining. jack neo stories have been super irritating, enough of it already, we now have a clear picture of his reputation and for those girls who are trying to gain their 1minute of fame... it's so slutty. if i were one of them, i would blackmail him at the back instead. okay, i dont really have a plan but im just saying rather than i go tell the whole world and that includes future boyfriends, husbands, friends and family that im a slut. altho im a slut, but not really a slut. oh well... whatever, im so gna play zombie farm on my phone...

what a boring night after coming home to face these emails... totally mood ruined.

im standing still.

2010-03-07T00:10:00.000+08:00

ugh, no time to blog or sort out my photos. anw my life is at yet another standstill, i want to move up.

move away. i dont want to stay put. let me reciprocate.

i feel too drained out to even care much abt cbl, i dno hw my partners do it. the emails and invoices are already so time consuming. and every weekend is so jammed packed. after office hours are so short. sleep seems never enough. dont even have time for friends anymore.

im not complaining, just saying.

i dont really feel happy now. something's just not right.

anw what hairstyle should i keep next? hair, grow! i want to go back to myself. haha, enough of short hair.

tried it once in my life at least (:

anw look even fiercer? i think?

and also omg totally loving my anna sui make up!

paying more this time, you definitely get more! except that with the iphone its more problems -.-

but currently its fine now. so ya.

but miss the times when i can wear sweet dresses and stuff, now everything is so grunge...

i dont wna look like a bi or smtg man...

n why am i attracting the wrong crowd?

i dont want older guys like old enough to be my dad after me, i dont want guys who are desperate, i dont want guys who steal my number, i dont want guys who are just trying their luck...

cant wait to go travelling again, cant wait to complete my studies, cant wait to earn money...

because money buys alot of things...

even the most non shallow have to admit that money sometimes can buy happiness.

sad but true.

did u get my sign, sign?

2010-02-21T21:57:00.000+08:00

Imran's 21st Birthday!

Hello everyone, Imran ate korean kimchi noodles on his 21st birthday and had to listen to my rendition of 2ne1's fire. i made him. he had no choice.

and had starbucks cakes because a certain girl ran around like mad (good thing she decided AGAINST the wearing of heels) but all the shops didnt accept NETS payment in this day and age (?!) and the atm machines had some obvious ISSUE with her that they did not want to allow her to take her OWN money (?!)

so caramel out.

p.osh out.

no nice cakes or customized brownie cakes.

all else, close.

time was not on her side, luck obviously NEVER had been, and she had to pay $1.10 for a lighter (?!)

whats up with the lighter man, they got problems with smokers they dont have to take it out on the general public who might need lighters too right. i mean lighten up mann, like totally? how can they stereotype all lighter buyers to be smokers, how about us? what about us who are just in for the fuel in need for the fire?

what if we need to keep warm in the cold winter and the freaking match sticks wont work? what if we need to burn a thread hanging from our expensive lace dress and we dont have $1.10 to pay for the lighter from 7-11 and we try to pull the thread and the dress gets ruined? (which by the way happened to meeeee... another sad story for another day which i will probaby forget about anyway)

so anw the card i made (:

with our first polaroid photo taken on my 21st bday, i thot it was significant to give it to him on his 21st.

i tried to make it as GUY and COOL as possible...
but i cant help with the purples and hot pinks ah...

imran and jiahe...
i suspect imran trying to SHOW off his biceps or smtg lidat...

fail.

apple crumble cheese cake, oreo cheese cake and chocolate cake! ok abit boring,
but it was the best i could come up with at that last min!

first bite

second bite

third bite

hahaha

hee so proud of my work!

ew?

and jiahe came dwn and tried, key word is TRIED to keep the surprise a surprise, but he is a epic fail HAHA.
well the plan was for jh to be "emo" and yknw ask imran out... but well, he wasn't emo abt the right stuff, oh well it was really last min, imran knew -.-
so jiahe stuck around and we just snapped photos away, yes finally a guy friend that bothers to take photos! ^^ got companion...

imran and i went to watch Valentines Day,

ohmygawd there's taylor lautner?! and im glad taylor swift v bimbo in the show haha. but of cos, jennifer garner! ahh... she is awesomic! so anw the show was quite ok, i mean, ashton kutcher, jessica biel and that 70's show guy, etc inside? how not to be ok right.

after that we went dancing... like ballroom dancing kind... i swear, i mean in the park. its not like those disney shows or anytg, it was quite unglam, but we were so hyper, we started RACING each other... IMRAN LOST TO ME THE FIRST TIME... cos i bet he underestimated my power... so ya, second round, i came in just behind him, damn... how can i lose to his bulky frame! but anyway, i havent really lost my running touch, so i was like happy, running around the park doing karate kicks and stuff.
nonetheless can show off my running skills, so im happy ^^

after that we went window shopping at carrefour and like discussing what would we buy if we had the choice... yknw out of all the cereal, which one would we choose and we counted to a 3 and see if we pointed at the same one... wanted to buy vanilla yogurt but no spoon ):
so end up i bought some cranberry, strawberry and raspberry tea for wrk... to cheer me up... and motivate me ): and we had SUSHI FOR BREAKFAST!!!

i love sushi.
we love sushi!
i love korean food tho.
but i also love jap food!
i love being asian!

with asian eyes :D

anyway i really hate my hair...

please, give me money to cut my hair!!! i dowan go to the neighbourhood shops and pay $10.00 and let them ruin it further... i rather go pay $40 bucks to make me look like victoria beckham or smtg...
hahaha... altho of cos, im just kidding cos even $4000 bucks also cant make me look like her.

anyway, recently ive been feeling quite unwell, so i guess maybe i might need to "go back on the drip", kind of.

and den before 12mn, i would like to wish imran
a very happy 21st birthday, i really hope you had fun even tho im like "budgetted" and all.

AND FOR THE RECORD, I OWN AT DOTA NOW! HAHAHAHA... LUCY IS LOVE. ♥

Happy 21st Birthday Imran ♥